Benefits of a Dirty Mind

I was exercising today and while following along with the workout video, I began to think about how funny it would be if the instructor were saying the things he was saying in the video during sex. Maybe I just have a dirty mind, but it has always entertained me to think this way about any workout video. I suppose almost anything you say could be funny if you think about it in a sexual way. But workout videos seem to be exceptionally funny just because they are so physical. For example, there is the usual yelling and grunting -

"I love it!"
"Oh yeah, that feels good!"

Then there are the things that are you wouldn't usually think of in a sexual way, but when you do, they are hilarious (All taken from an actual workout video.) -

"The things I have seen happen in these girl's bodies have been absolutely fantastic."
"Give me a little grin."
"It's OK to scream."
"Make sure you're breathing back there."
"I'm a harper on form and technique."
"Keep your legs moving."
"What you'll see is one side might be a little easier than the other."
"Relax. Shake it out."
"Be deliberate with your movements."
"Don't let gravity take over."
"If you need a break, take it."
"Make sure you do that definite pause in the middle."
"I want you to hold right here."
"I'm going to bring the other one straight between my legs."
"I just made a jump in my results."
"You have to stick the move."
"If you want a little more intensity, I want you to try to balance on that leg at the top."
"Nothing else matters but this movement right now."
"That's what I want to hear!"
"Scream to the dog, cat, whatever. Tell them how good you're doing."
"You want to be able to look at a movement and say 'That's how it needs to be done! It just looks good!'"
"If I don't talk for a little bit, please know I am focusing."
"Arch that pelvis to the sky."
"Finish it strong!"

See? Are you thinking dirty? This is way too fun!

Another fun little dirty game that I like is to take the title of any movie that is more than one word, and replace one of the words with "penis". It makes me laugh almost every time and it also makes good porn titles. Here are a few to get you started -

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Penis
I Am Penis
The Fourth Penis
Paranormal Penis
The 40-Year-Old Penis
My Best Friend's Penis
Get Him To The Penis
Must Love Penises

You get the idea. Now go wild with it!

This may not be my most mature post, but the whole point is, it is fun to have a dirty mind once in a while. It makes the workout more bearable, and it gives you a laugh when you need one. So don't judge me for my moment of dirty mindedness. I know you are thinking the same things.

So Smooth

I have always liked things that have soft or smooth textures. For example, when it comes to food I like smooth-textured things like milk, ice cream, yogurt, pudding, gum, and mashed potatoes. You know, things that almost seem to caress your mouth as you eat them. Your guess is as good as mine as to why I like these things so much. I don't limit myself to only smooth foods, but there are some textures that are hard for me to swallow. Shrimp would be one of those. Also, any kind of meat that has too much gristle or fat. It's weird because I don't really have a problem with eating meat. I am not squeamish about the fact that my meat was once a living thing. It's just the texture that can make or break it.

Soft things that I enjoy are soft clothes, stuffed animals, real animals, blankets, and pillows. I could feel a soft stuffed animal or lounge in pajamas and blankets for hours. Maybe it all goes back to the childhood need to be comforted. That would make sense since most people like soft things and I believe most people need to be comforted in one way or another. I'm sure Freud would have the answer, and I'm also sure the answer would be so deep and complicated that I wouldn't care. All I know is that I could never be one of those women who wear high heals all day every day. I might suffer through it now and again to look pretty, but there is just no way those things are comfortable.

Governed By The Clock

I often get annoyed that life is so governed by time.

Time to get up.
Time for work.
Time for lunch.
Time for my appointment.
Time to return my library books.
Time for bed.

When you're a kid, time is much less of an issue. You do something when you feel like doing it, not because it is "time" to do it. Some days I curse my alarm clock because it always so rudely reminds me that I am on a schedule from the moment I hear it. That *beep beep beep* might as well be saying "Get up! You're running out of time before you even open your eyes!"

Why can't people relax more? Why do we let out lives be so governed by time? Time is important, but not always. We don't have to let it boss us around constantly. We can make time for free time to do as much or as little as we want. If you have a crazy schedule it may seem impossible to make free time, but it's not. You always have the choice of what to do with your time. There are always things you can drop from your schedule to make time for enjoyment, and if you ask me, free time is almost as important as eating, sleeping, and breathing. I am certain free time is essential to good physical and mental health. Besides, if we don't take time to enjoy life, then what are we living for?

BUY NOW!

Everywhere you go these days it's almost impossible to avoid advertising. Billboards, commercials, fliers, pop-ups. They're everywhere! I have always disliked aggressive advertising and selling. Notice I said "aggressive". A little advertising never hurt anyone, but when it's taken to the extreme, I have a problem. When a person is pressured to buy something they can't afford or don't really need, that is taking it too far. I also think it is taking it too far to use tricks to get people to buy. Tricks can be anything from packaging food in a color package that makes a person hungry to downright lying about a product. I know there are laws that are supposed to prevent false advertising. But from my experience, people like to ride the fine line between false and true or even cross the line completely and try to get away with lies.

I don't believe for a second that we are living in a perfect world where there is not false advertising or greed for buying or selling excessively. But I do believe there is always something we can be doing to better the world and ourselves. Like, if you have a business, don't only be concerned with the bottom line of how much money you are making. Be concerned with your employees and giving back to charity and making sustainable, eco-friendly products, and being fair in your business practices. If you are only one person, think about what you really need before you buy. Try not to waste what you have and if you have extra, give to others. I know it is hard to ignore the barrage of advertising out there, but the more people choose to ignore it, the less effective it will be. Thus, it will die out. I think less advertising and buying is a goal we should all strive for.

Frankenstein

I just finished reading Frankenstein, and I think it is now one of my favorite classics. It's nothing like you would think it would be from watching horror movies. The monster is not actually called Frankenstein, and nowhere in the book does it say he is green or that he lurches around like a zombie. He is actually portrayed as quite agile and strong.

The book could better be described as a tale of morality. Percy Shelly, the husband of the author, explained the moral of the story as this-"Treat a person ill, and he will become wicked. Requite affection with scorn;-let one being be selected, for whatever cause, as the refuse of his kind - divide him, a social being, from society, and you impose upon him the irresistible obligations - malevolence and selfishness. It is thus that, too often in society, those who are best qualified to be its benefactors and its ornaments, and branded by some accident with scorn, and changed, by neglect and solitude of heart, into a scourge and a curse."

I love this quote because I think it says so well what happens when we treat people badly. I am a reasonably nice person, but I think I could have been a better person if I would have been treated more kindly. When people "brand you with scorn" it changes you. It makes you defensive, angry, scared, "malevolent and selfish". I would not call myself "wicked", but I can easily understand how being badly mistreated can turn a person wicked.

Like most classics, the book takes some effort to read since it is not in the language we are used to today. However, I found it to be well worth the effort. Very touching and enlightening. I am even considering reading the journals of Mary Shelly, the author, just because I am fascinated by her life and by her ability to write such a book at the age of 18. But her life was very tragic in its own right, so I think I am due for something more lighthearted. In any case, Frankenstein is a good read and I highly recommend it.

Taking A Chance

I am afraid of spiders. I probably shouldn't put that out there because I bet it could lead to many cruel pranks, but what is life if you don't take chances? For instance, I take a chance every morning when I slip my feet into my fuzzy pink slippers.



That may not seem like a chance, but for me it's a big one. While I love fuzzy slippers, I never know what may be lurking in them. Like, perhaps, SPIDERS? POISONOUS SPIDERS?! BLACK WIDOWS?!!!!! I never know what I may encounter when I slid my foot in there and pad off to the bathroom. It doesn't help that I know black widows are native to Utah and that they like to live in dark places. It also doesn't help that I saw the true story on t.v. of a boy who was bitten by a black widow in his shoe and almost died if not for his father who went to Mexico and smuggled in an illegal anti-venom that may or may not save his son.

Surely I should just shake out my slippers before I put them on. But wait! What if the spider clings to the inside of the slipper and doesn't come out? Or what if it does come out, but I am doing this in the dark so as not to wake my husband, and it lands on me and bites me? And then there is the more philosophical question of whether or not I should let fear run my life. Should I really waste my life by spending time beating my clothing every morning? I don't think so. So I choose to take a chance and every morning, for a split second, I brace for the worst as I slip my feet into my slippers.......

Funny Stuff

Mike showed me this video, and I thought it was so funny I had to share it. It really shouldn't be funny since the people the host is talking to have been victims of medical procedures gone wrong. BUT......it's funny! I try not to laugh at the expense of others. Really I do. But I also think a lot of the really funny stuff is not politically correct. Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself. Humor is one of the things that makes life bearable when it seems unbearable. I don't particularly like my own voice, but if someone made a good joke about it or couldn't stop laughing when I talked, I don't think I would hold it against them.

I wish I was more funny. My humor is more sarcastic or dead-pan than outright joke-telling because I'm not very good at making jokes. I even suck just telling someone else's joke. I can, however, appreciate good humor in others. I love things that make me laugh or smile, and that's not always an easy task. Some people are easily amused by just about anything. My sense of humor is a little more discerning. Something has to hit me just right to make me laugh. Potty jokes won't cut it with me. Here are some funny things I like -

The Imgur Gallery

Damn You Auto Correct

Dooce

Laughing Baby

This Giraffe

Demetri Martin

The third one is a blog by Heather Armstrong that I mentioned in my very first post. Her humor is what inspired me to start blogging, even though I am not anywhere as funny as her. Her blog is mostly for moms or people struggling with depression, but I think anyone can appreciate it for the humor.

I wish I had more funny stuff for you, but I'm sure you already know how to find it on your own. This post is just a little reminder to keep humor in your life and laugh when things get hard.

Ducks From A Distance

My blog must be getting pretty boring with all these crazy things called WORDS and no pictures. I changed the background just to change it up a little, but that is about the limit of my ability when it comes to blog design. I really should try to learn more about it, but I'm not sure where to do that. So for now I learn by clicking on buttons to see what they do. Very technical. You wouldn't understand.




Here are a couple pictures I took today when I took Bear for a walk at the park. They are taken with my phone, so they are not the greatest, but I think if I got a fancy, expensive camera I wouldn't know how to use it. Plus, cameras are cumbersome. I like to travel light and I always have my phone with me anyway.

Maybe you are thinking that the park looks really drab. It does. It's not the phone camera that caused everything to look droopy and sad. The weather continues to suck. Believe me when I say this park is so beautiful when you add a little green here and there.

Bear did not care about the drabness in the least. She was pulling on the leash like she was in a marathon and the prize was a lifetime supply of Frosty Paws. (That's ice cream made for dogs and Bear is insane for it.) I would have liked to stop and admire the ducks, but she was having none of that. It's just as well since the ducks never stick around to meet her. I don't blame them. If a saw a slobbery creature that was twice my size, with bulging eyes and raspy breath, charging at me, I would run too. While most people go to the park to feed the ducks, we go there to chase them away because there is no way I am ever getting close to a duck with Bear around.

Fun in the Ice Age

I may have been slightly neglecting my blog for a few days, but when the weather looks more like January than April, it's not very inspiring. I feel like it is becoming the next ice age outside and that is something much more worrisome than writing a blog. Also, I had a chance to spend time with Mike, and I will always take that over most anything because I love being with him!

Mike and I actually had a fun day yesterday even though it never stopped SNOWING the entire day and it was so foggy I felt like I was living in a mystery novel. We made a trip out to Salt Lake City, and the first place we stopped was Bruges. People, this place is AMAZING. Never have I had such delicious waffles, fries, dipping sauce, or stew. It's a little pricey, but it's definitely worth it. Go there!

Next, we went to Trolley Square which is an upscale shopping center in an old building. There's not a lot of shops there, but it's a fun place to look around anyway. One of our favorite stores there is TABULA RASA. Its mostly a stationary store, but there are other things there like books, puzzles, art, and wallets. All of it is pretty high-end and expensive, but you can find good deals also. I got this book by Edward Gorey. I love the artwork and the overall silliness of the book. It's not too serious, and that's refreshing in a world that is almost always too serious.

The main reason Mike and I went to Trolley Square was because there is a new Whole Foods grocery store there and we had never been to one before. I don't have to tell you how much we love food and how much I enjoy things that are organic and environmentally friendly. So you can imagine we were pretty much falling on the floor with excitement when we walked into this store. I could write about it for hours, but you really just have to see it for yourself.

That was our Saturday. We might have had more energy to do more things, however, we had the idea to have a movie night the night before. We ate way too much candy; stayed up too late; and slept on an air mattress that beat us up all night long. We were a little worst for wear after all that.

Angry People

I was watching Dr. Phil (I know, I know. I am strangely addicted even though I disagree with half the things he says.) and it was a show about people who have anger problems. People who break things, yell at people, and cause an overall ruckus when they get upset. On the show they were saying that there is now a test to see if you have the so-called "warrior gene" which may make people more prone to anger. I wasn't so much interested in that because I think everyone has anger in them from time to time and everyone can learn to control it. It doesn't matter to me whether someone has the "warrior gene" or not. It matters how they treat people.

What did interest me was when one of the angry people on the show asked Dr. Phil,"If I don't get angry, how will the other person know they have done something wrong?" Dr. Phil replied, basically,"It's not your job to police the world. You don't know what the circumstances are of the person you are angry at. You would inspire much more compassion from others if you were kind rather than angry. No one says,'I really want to spend more time with that jerk and help them with their problems.'"

O, Dr. Phil, you won me over yet again. I feel the same way about anger. It solves nothing. It pushes people away.

It was also said on that show that anger is a secondary emotion. Angry people are really feeling frustrated, hurt, or scared. It only comes out as anger. Think of a hurt animal that bites when you try to help it. It is not biting because it is angry. It's biting because it is hurting and it doesn't know what else to do. People are the same way. They lash out in anger when they are hurting. The problem is, no one wants to help someone who is always "biting". But humans know better than animals. They can learn to not hurt others when they are angry and ask for help instead. That's the way I try to be. When I feel myself getting angry I remind myself that being mean will not help me. I try to remind myself that I am not perfect, so how can I judge the actions of others? I tell myself that I don't know the circumstances in someone's life that motivate their actions. But most of all, I remind myself - Be kind.

The Language, 'Tis Ruined

Forgive me if I have been unmotivated to blog lately. I would blame it on being sick, but I promised I wouldn't write about that, so I have no excuses.

It is a pet peeve of mine when people use the English language incorrectly. You know, grammar errors, spelling errors, or just sounding stupid in general. No one is perfect, but I feel like if you go to the effort of saying something or writing something, you should take some measures to make sure it is right. For example, I read through each post I contribute to my blog several times before I post it. I may not catch every error, but at least I try. I feel like most people don't even try anymore. They are lazy and sloppy with their language. Slang is becoming the norm rather than the exception. What are we doing to our beautiful language?

I read a lot of classics, and I am often amazed by how much English has changed in the last 100 years. Yes, some things are better. But when a hear a person say something like - "Anyways, I like really like them shirts. Like it makes me so fustrated that I can't buy it" - it makes me cringe. I spelled "frustrated" wrong on purpose because that is one word that more and more people are saying wrong, and it drives me crazy! When I hear someone say "fustrated" I want to scream, "It's not 'fustrated' it's 'frustrated' you moron!" Even if I did scream that out loud, it would probably be in vain. Not many people care enough to improve their language.

Why do we have grammar and spelling rules if we don't use them? I once heard that we have grammar and spelling so we can understand each other. Without them my blog would look like this -

oxiceow ojsjosow diouw si qoi apocoel? la/sdlk eupqoaoxi ...aljcial *glip* tokenako alioe!

Would you like that? I didn't think so. Next time someone says something to me with incorrect grammar or pronunciation, maybe I should just look really confused and walk away.

Giving Up

I spoke too soon about the power of positive thinking because the worst has happened again - I am sick. I stayed in bed until noon today, not because I thought it would help me get better faster but because I have just given up. No point in trying not to get sick or trying to get better faster. It happens anyway, so I decided to just lie there and take it. The only reason I even got out of bed was because my poor dog hadn't pooped all day. For the record I took her outside and she still decided her time would be better spent sniffing the Spring air than pooping. Oh yeah, that's another thing. Today is probably the most beautiful day of the year so far, and I can't enjoy it because I am sick. Whatever. I'm sure everyone out there is tired of me complaining about being sick. I will try my hardest not to write about it. But when your life seems like one cold after another, it's hard to think about anything else.