Sunday, December 13, 2015

No Favorites

I was once told by someone who is a parent that every parent has a favorite child, and that you should always try to hide that fact from everyone. I am not a parent, so I can't say I have been in this situation. But my gut tells me this is the wrong way to go about it.

I think that the way you treat your children should be the same way you treat anyone else you are close with - as an individual. Sure you get along with some people better than others, but that doesn't mean you can't love them all equally for their own unique personalities. It's like comparing apples to oranges. If one child is a great athlete and the other is a great writer, you don't turn to the athlete and say, " I sure wish you were as good a writer as your sibling." or vice versa. You go to the events of your athlete and you read everything from your writer. Even if you yourself are more interested in athletics than writing, it doesn't have to take away from your love for the child who likes to write. You can still get excited about each story he or she writes. You may have more in common with one child, but I don't believe that should take away from your love of the other children.

This is, of course, a simplified example. Personalities are very complex and varied. However, it still stands that you can love a child for many different reasons, or even for no reason other than they are your child. Love should be multiplied, not withheld. If you don't feel you have enough love for each of your children, then that is a personal problem. Hiding the fact that you have a favorite won't work because sooner or later, everyone can see through your lie. I would suggest that you work on yourself rather than trying to fool everyone else. Work on having unconditional love.

Maybe I would feel different if I had children of my own, but at the present I couldn't tell you that I love any of my family or friends more than the others. They are all very different and very special to me, and I could never care more for one than I do for them all.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Over-Sensitive or Desensitized

When I read articles or watch reports on T.V., I have seen a lot of contradictory conclusions. No one seems to notice or be bothered by these contradictions, so I thought I would write about one to bring it to people's attention.

Many people claim that children or people in general are becoming desensitized to the world around them. We are supposedly desensitized to violence and crime because we see it on T.V. and in the news. We are desensitized to the suffering in other countries because we see it on T.V. all the time. We are desensitized to the reality of global warming because the effects creep up slowly. We are desensitized to negative emotions and mental health problems because we see them everywhere yet we don't discuss them.

On the other hand, there is the claim that everyone is becoming too sensitive. We are said to be too sensitive about politics and religion. We are too sensitive about differences of opinion. We are too sensitive at work and school because our parents never gave us any "tough love" or we had an easy life. Our bodies are too sensitive because we haven't had to do hard work. We are over-sensitive with our emotions because we never learned to deal with them.

I know that it is possible to be sensitive to one thing and desensitized to another. But all these claims of "desensitized" or "over-sensitive" are not singularities. They are claims of society as a whole, and society as a whole can not be mostly desensitized AND mostly over-sensitive at the same time.

I think the debate between desensitized and over-sensitive should be looked at as introverts and extroverts. For a long time people believed you had to be one or the other. But it should be looked at more like a sliding scale. Some introverts are closer to extroverts and vice versa. Likewise, some people are more desensitized, while others are more sensitive, but they are all a little of both, and it can change due to circumstances. With this complexity of feelings and emotions in each individual, it would be very hard to add them all up into an "over-sensitive" society or a "desensitized" society.

I guess what I am trying to say is, don't put labels on people or society just for the sake of simplicity or a good story. There is scientific research on the subject, but not nearly enough to make blanket statements like "Society is over-sensitive" or "Society is desensitized". We are a complex mixture, and we should be treated as such, not dismissed as a single problem.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Figuring It Out.....Again

I wanted to write about something that has been bugging me for a while, but now seems to downright irritate me. Some people overcome incredible challenges in life, and feel like they come to a place in life where they have a lot of things figured out and they know what is best for their own physical and mental well-being. Good for them. That is not what bothers me. What bothers me is when these same people start to gain an entitled, self-important attitude where they think they are better than others because they have supposedly "figured it out".

I think it is hard to spot these kind of people because they initially come off as caring, strong, and self-assured. They go to therapy, they meditate, they eat right, they work hard, they say the right things. They act like they have it all together, and maybe they do to some extent. But the longer you watch them the more you realize they are not as kind and put-together as they seem. They think they deserve the best because they have done everything "right". They think their way is the best way to live, and they look down on those who don't do the same. They start to think that they need constant success and accomplishments to be happy.

Now I may be a tiny bit jealous. I can admit that. I also may feel differently if I walked in their shoes. But here is my problem with these people from my perspective - They don't have life figured out. There is no such thing. They may have found something that works really well for them, but it is not perfect and it won't work for everyone. They also shouldn't expect a great life just because they have worked hard for it or become accustomed to it. Everyone and their brother likes to declare that "life isn't fair" when someone else doesn't get what they want. But when we work toward something we just expect that the "fair" thing will happen and we will get what we deserve. Working hard may put things in my favor, but it does not guarantee a favorable outcome.

I once read a quote that went something like, "A wise person never stops questioning. A fool will defend his point-of-view forever." I kind of feel like this describes the kind of people I am talking about. They have reached such a good place in their life that they forget that they should continually question what they are doing.

I know I probably won't change anyone's mind with my little post. I just wanted to vent my frustrations more than anything else. Just remember that just because something is working well for you, it doesn't mean you shouldn't question it.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Comic Con 2015

Yesterday Mike and I went to Salt Lake City Comic Con, and it was quite the experience. I never thought of myself as someone who would like conventions about sci fi, fantasy, gaming, comics, cosplay, and movies, but I have really learned to like it a lot. Mike was always the one who was interested in that stuff and he had to drag me along. However, these days I go willingly and I actually enjoy it a lot.

I may never be as into the whole comic con culture as Mike is, but there are many things I do like about it. I like the comradery and acceptance between people of all different interests and walks of life. I like the child-like joy people get from loosing themselves in a fantasy world for a little while. I like the creativity and expression through amazing works of art. Last of all I like that there is never a dull moment or nothing to see. It blows my mind at the care and attention people put into costumes, and I love seeing so much variety and creativity in one place. I could probably just people watch all day at comic con.

Of course I wanted to look the part this year, so I bought myself a Star Wars shirt. Even though I am not as into Star Wars as some people, it does bring back fond memories of childhood.


There were plenty of Star Wars-related things to see at the con as well. These light sabers where a big hit, if not a bit pricey.


And this thing was made totally out of balloons. I was amazed at the time and patience it must have taken.


This is what part of the con looked like from up above. Some places where so packed we could barley move. Not for the faint of heart, but definitely worth the experience.


Here is Mike and I at the Sean Astin panel. I like to think I don't get too flustered by celebrities, and generally I don't. But if I actually met one in person, I think all bets would be off.


We also went to a panel about the TV show Face Off and one about the new Star Trek show that is coming out. We ate some bad food, bought a few souvenirs, hung out with friends, and just did a lot of LOOKING. At the end we were tired but very satisfied. I have to say I am looking forward to doing it again.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Simple Life

A little while back, when I was at work, I had a woman ask me where the restroom was. I pointed her in the general direction and then went back to what I was doing. A few seconds later she came back to me claiming she still could not find the restroom even though I know she had come within 15 feet of it. At that moment, I could have screamed in frustration. Since when have people become so un-observant and unwilling or incapable of solving a simple problem? It feels like the majority of people these days are living their lives on autopilot, expecting other people or some imaginary force to gently guide them in the right direction.

Drivers don't notice when someone is trying to use the crosswalk. People ask someone else to figure out a simple math problem for them. They cut corners only to sacrifice quality. They ask others to make decisions for them. They miss obvious information.

We all have those days when we are just too tired or overwhelmed to function at our best. On those days we may need a little extra guidance and help. But what I have been observing is a far more serious problem. It's like an epidemic of not caring and ineptitude. It seems we are becoming dumber to point where we don't even realize we are like lambs being lead to the slaughter. We follow the easy path to our doom.

I don't mean to be all doom and gloom about the human race, but sometimes I have some serious questions about our drive and our purpose. Are we living to our full capabilities, or are we merely existing? I would challenge everyone to open their eyes a little wider once in a while. Look a little harder. Do a little more. Think a little harder. Do more than you think you can. Because if you are relying on others to guide you, you may just end up somewhere you don't want to be.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Park City Revival

Can I just tell you how excited I am about the coming Autumn? I am really looking forward to the cooler weather and Halloween and all things Fall. Work has been pretty crazy this year with back-to-school season, but now I get a little rest before the onslaught of what is called "holiday season" but is more like "greed and stress season" every year.

Mike just started a new job last month which affords us a little extra money to work with. I am cautiously enjoying it only because it seems to be a theme in my life that when a good thing happens, something way worse always seems to happen right afterwards to destroy any joy I have felt. But I'm trying to not look at life in that light because if you do it too much it casts a shadow over every happy situation.

One fun thing that Mike and I got to do last month was take a day trip up to Park City. It was beautiful weather and we walked around looking at shops and eating at restaurants. Here is the view from the pizza place we ate at for lunch.


The service wasn't the greatest, but who can complain with a view like that?

Later on, we went to The Canyons ski resort to ride the gondola and possibly rent a paddle boat at the top. The gondola and ski lift rides where beautiful and refreshing with the crisp breeze in our faces.


Once we got to the lake at the top we decided not to rent the paddle boat because the "lake" was more like a small pond with limited paddling room. But the gorgeous views where worth the trip up.


After visiting The Canyons, we went back into Park City and ate a delicious dinner at a small Irish pub. All in all, it was a day to remember and a day that reminds me how lucky I am to have an amazing husband and a very blessed life. It's memories of days like this that carry me through the hard times.

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Post Innocence

Summer is flying by as it always does since I became an adult. You would think I would post more, but one thing or another always seems to get in the way. I try to be more relaxed about life than I used to be, and just take things one day at a time or even one hour at a time. So if writing a post doesn't fit into that day, I try not to force it in. I write this blog mostly for relaxation, and it defeats the purpose if I am stressed about it.

One thought that I have been wanting to write about for a while is how I think some people perceive me as a naive or innocent person. I will admit that I grew up pretty sheltered and innocent. But even people who didn't know me as a child seem to think of me that way. Maybe it's because I am a woman, or because I am soft spoken and generally a nice person. Whatever it is, it can be annoying when people treat you like you know nothing about the world.

Since I grew up, I feel like I have learned more than most people how cruel and scary the world can be. But just because I choose not to focus on these aspects of life doesn't mean I am oblivious to them or untouched by them. It is frustrating when people think I have an easy life or that I am too ignorant to understand the hardships they are going through. Let me tell you right now, nothing could be further from the truth. I have been in some of the deepest, darkest holes you could imagine, and I am proud of the fact that I overcame those things and that my eyes are opened because of it. Just because I don't always show it doesn't mean I haven't seen terrible things or felt the strongest emotions.

If I ever act childish it is probably only because I choose to be innocent and happy rather than focus on the negative in life. I see no point in being serious and stressed out all your life. So if you ever meet someone who seems oblivious to life's perils, know that they probably see more, feel more, and know more than you think.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Left Behind

Ever since I was a young child I remember often having a feeling of missing out on something or being left behind. Like when it was my bedtime but my parents were still doing something in the living room. I always wanted to be where they where rather than going to sleep. Not that I didn't want to sleep, but that I didn't want to miss out on what they were doing. Or when I went to summer camp one year and at the end I stayed behind with one of the leaders to finish cleaning and packing up. I felt so sad being one of the last people left in a place where such a large group had had so much fun. I felt uneasy and I couldn't wait to get out of there. Or sometimes when I go to bed at night I think of all the people who are still awake and out doing things and I feel like I am missing something by going to sleep.

These may be odd feelings to have. I truly don't know if many people can understand the feelings I am talking about. Is it just a depression from something fun being over? Is it fear of being alone? Is it anxiety that you won't get to do all the things you want to in life? I don't know.

Another similar feeling comes to me sometimes ever since I found out that there are so many people in the world that even if you flashed a picture of one person per second in front of you for your entire life you still wouldn't even see a fraction of them. That is just SEEING them. Take into account that every person on earth deserves to be loved and understood and deeply known, and you see that it is beyond impossible for one person to do that. It may seem ridiculous that I have a desire to know and understand every individual on earth, but that is kind of how I feel sometimes. It is frustrating to know that it can never happen.

I guess all these feelings may come from a desire to know EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING. It's not possible, yet my brain still wants to try. It still feels the defeat of failing the impossible task. Weird? Maybe. Common? Maybe. When I get these kinds of feelings all I can do is remind myself that it is not possible to know all things at this time, but maybe it will be in another time and place...

Monday, April 27, 2015

Home Sweet Home

There have been several times where I have met people who are not from Utah and I ask them if they like living in Utah or if they would want to move back to where they are from. Almost always they say, "I like Utah, but there's no place like home." This response always makes me wonder what makes a place feel like home. Is it where your family is? Is it where you grew up? Is it what feels right or familiar? Or is it a combination of these things? What about people who never lived in one place very long? Does any place feel like home to them? Can more than one place feel like home?

I don't have the answer to these questions, but I can say what makes me feel at home. I feel at home in Utah, and more specifically in the area around my city that I am familiar with. I feel at home when I am with my family or friends, and with Mike, and we are doing things we like to do together. I feel at home when I am familiar with many of the people and places around me. I feel at home when I am comfortable.

But could I learn to feel at home in a place I am not familiar with? Could I feel at home anywhere if I lived there long enough? Or is there some lasting impression from the places I was in as a child that can never fully be replaced by a new home?

I don't know for sure if anyone can say what makes a place feel like home. However, I do believe that we should search for and move toward that places that most feel like home. Because when we are in a place that makes us feel happy, we are at our best and we can make the best out of our lives.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Another Point Of View

This year is going by too quick already. Valentine's Day was great except for the horrible cold I was fighting at the time. Mike and I went out to dinner and I don't think I tasted half the food because my nose was so stuffy. But it was wonderful just being with him. Mike always has a way of making me feel like everything will be ok and I feel incredibly loved by him. Here is a picture of the flowers he got me for Valentine's Day.


I think this is one of my favorite arrangements he has gotten me. Not too big or too small. It is just simple and classy. I got him a gift card for a massage because he always likes a good massage. Me, I could take it or leave it, but I'm usually not too fond of strangers touching me.

Near the end of February Mike and I went to the Alton Brown Live show. For those of you who don't know, Alton Brown is a celebrity chef who has multiple television shows and who is known for explaining the science behind creating dishes. What I did not know before we went to the show is that he also sings and plays the guitar. His show was full of him singing, telling stories, and giving quirky food demonstrations. It was a lot of fun! The only thing I wish he did differently was give out samples of his cooking to the audience. By the end of the show Mike and I's mouths were literally watering from the smell of the pizza he made. Then again, it would probably be difficult to cook and deliver samples an entire audience. Here are a few pictures I took at the show. They are not the best quality, but you get the idea.


In February I also finished a picture I had been working on for Mike.


I really wish I had more time to draw or that I was faster at it. I have so many people I want to draw pictures for because I love making people happy by creating something for them.

Now that you are up to date on my life, I wanted to write about something that has been on my mind recently. I am not always the best at maintaining relationships since I am so shy and awkward most of the time. So it is interesting to me when I try to look at myself from another person's point of view. I wonder if my strangeness translates into ambivalence or even contempt to another person. I feel like I try to be kind and friendly most of the time, but maybe it doesn't come off that way? I think it is important to look at the world through other people's eyes because if you don't you will always be blinded by your own biases. But taking another person's point of view is not as easy as it may seem. For one thing, you might see some things about yourself that you don't like. Things you have turned a blind eye to because you don't want to see them. For another thing, you may feel the other person's pain. That can help you gain a better understanding, but of course pain is never fun. However, possibly the most dangerous thing about looking at yourself through another person's point of view is that you can loose touch with everything you thought you knew about yourself. You thought you were nice, but maybe your not. You thought you were strong, but you don't look so strong. You thought you could handle this, but perhaps you are not so capable.

It's at this point that it no longer benefits you to take another view. You have to remember your fundamental beliefs about yourself or you will start to believe all the negative things people say about you. You have to know that just because someone says it or believes it doesn't make it true. You have to stick to what your truth is. Otherwise, you will end up hurting yourself just as much as the negative people do. In other words, don't loose yourself while trying to find another.

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Worth While

January is such a cold grey month that it makes me want to burrow under the covers and hibernate there until winter is over. I don't know if it is just me, but I seem to get so cold sometimes that it is all I can do to function on a basic level. I don't have oodles of money to be able to keep my thermostat at a toasty level, so most days when I am not working I simply wrap up in a blanket, hunker down, and ride it out. I'm not complaining so much as wondering how our forefathers did it. When your survival depended on getting up and making a fire, and feeding the farm animals, and caring for your family and your house, you had no choice but to get out of bed and do it. I wonder if I am a soft and flimsy product of human breeding, or if I could rise to the occasion when presented with the challenge. In either case I am not likely to find out unless I suddenly decide to take up farming in the middle of nowhere with no modern conveniences.

I recently saw some comments online in which people where arguing about the cost of getting celebrity autographs and pictures. One person was complaining that it was way too expensive and said he would never pay for it. Then he implied that other people would be stupid pay the asking price. Here is what I think about the subject. Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, value is also in the eye of the beholder. I don't condemn anyone who sees more value in an object than I do because to that person the value of the object or service is so high that it almost doesn't matter what the price is. It becomes less about the money and more about the happiness that the objects brings.

I learned about different values of the same object when I saw a man on t.v. who was a hoarder. He had a love for cooking implements that would make him seem crazy to most people. When a counselor asked the man to picture another person owning and using one of his pots, his actually got very emotional.

This is an extreme example, and obviously it is not healthy to become so attached to objects that your house becomes filled with them, or you spend all your money acquiring them, or they disrupt your relationships with other people. But it is an example of how much happiness a person can get from an object. As long as it is not doing any harm, why judge what makes others happy? Possessions may not be the most important thing in life, but they sure can make it a little more bright. So why deny others their delights just because they are worthless to you?

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Arguing With Myself

Happy New Year everyone! I must admit that the New Year is not a holiday I usually celebrate a whole lot, but I do like that is seen as a time of new beginnings and bettering yourself. I am always trying to be a better person, so New Years Day is not so special to me personally. However, it does make me happy that other people find meaning and motivation in the start of the new year.

Speaking of motivation, I recently realized that it is almost impossible to motivate myself to do something I really don't want to do. I wanted to write about this not because I feel like it is something I can change, but because I wonder how common it is. Is it like tickling yourself - other people can do it to you but you can't do it to yourself?

Take exercise for example. If I had planned on a regular exercise schedule, if the time comes for me to actually do it and I don't feel like it, no amount of persuasion from myself will make me change my mind. I can't bribe myself with rewards or tell myself, "You need to do this if you don't want to get fat." or "It will only take a short time and then you will feel accomplished." I just won't listen to myself!

It's a different story if other people try to influence me, though. I won't say it always works, but I am way more likely to do something for someone I care about than I am for myself. I wonder why that is? Am I more influenced by external factors than internal factors? Is that a bad thing?

I'm not saying I never set goals or try to get myself to do hard things. I do a lot of things that I am not too keen on doing. But I always know I can never fool myself into changing my mind, or bribe myself into doing something, or argue with myself over something I am already dead-set on. I suppose I just know my limits.