Ducks In A Row

For most of my life I've had an illusion that one day I will have everything in my life set up just how I like it.  I will have just the right amount of food in the kitchen.  Everything will be clean.  All my bills will be paid.  I will have just the right amount of clothes with nothing that I don't enjoy wearing.  I will have just the right amount of spare time.  I won't have any aches and pains, and my body will be in a perfect state of health.  I will have everything organized ideally.  Etc, ect, ect.

Like I said, I know this is all an illusion.  Some people believe that heaven will be a state of perfection kind of like this.  I don't know if that's true, but I do know that my brain keeps telling me that somehow I can reach this goal on earth.  I always feel like I need to be one step ahead and eventually everything will line up just right.

I guess some people would simply call this being a perfectionist.  But I feel like it's something else.  I don't necessarily care to have everything perfect in my life.  It's more of a feeling that there's some unreachable position where you will feel perfectly at ease with no worries that there is something that still needs to be done.

I realize that this condition will never be met physically, and I must learn to feel at ease within myself, even when there are still things to get done.  That, as you may have figured out, is easier said than done.  It's more of a zen disposition than any outward achievement.  I hope to eventually learn this way of thinking, just for my own sanity.  Because it's never healthy to constantly feel like you need to do more.  And maybe if i don't get to experience it in this life, I will at least get to in the next.

My Feelings On Feelings

 I realize it's been quite a long time since I last posted.  I've found that as I get older, ideas for writing are much harder to hang on to.  They pop into my mind occasionally throughout the day, and unless I write them down immediately, they leave forever.  Maybe it's just me, but I think that my mind works just a little bit less efficiently the older I get.  I guess that is to be expected with aging.  Of course I do my best to keep myself healthy and active.  I've been doing yoga every day for over a year now!  That is really amazing to me because I'm not the kind of person that ever liked working out.  Generally I avoid it, and getting on the yoga mat is still hard some days, but I'm so proud I've stuck with it.

So I wanted to write about feelings today because I once read that some people (specifically introverts) feel things more strongly than other people.  I'm not sure how true this is with introverts, but I do believe that some people feel things more strongly than others, and I think that I might be one of those people.  

Throughout my life I've often noticed that I seem to be feeling more than those around me.  A song will move me strongly, or I will cry more than others at a funeral, or I will feel a very deep emotion that I don't observe other people expressing.  Of course this is all just based on my perception.  I realize that people can be feeling one way, and showing something else entirely to others.  I know I do this.  I also know that people can get emotional about different things, so it doesn't mean they are less emotional, just emotional about something else.

I guess, in the end, I doesn't really matter how emotional we get.  We just want to feel heard and understood.  Although, it is probably a little harder to feel understood  if you don't think others feel the same as you.

I once watched a true crime show where a young man murdered a girl who was his friend.  Later he admitted to a friend that he thought he would feel something when he took a life, but he didn't feel anything.  First of all, this showed me that there are those who are not capable of feeling as deeply as others.  Second, it made me very sad that there are those who are not able to feel how sacred human life is.  Lastly, it made me wonder if human life even is sacred if there are those who can't feel it.  

I'm not saying that murder should be OK, or even that human life isn't sacred.  It just made me wonder how some people can believe human life is so special while others could seem to care less.  How can human life be sacred if it is not a universal truth with all people?

I know I will probably never have the answers to these questions.  It's just a little food for thought.  I have a feeling that our lives are sacred, for whatever that's worth.  

No Mistakes

 When we are kids, I don't think most of us give much thought to making mistakes.  If it isn't a terribly bad mistake (and let's face it, most childhood mistakes are not serious), then we just brush it off and move on.  It's when we move into adulthood  the stakes become higher, and the consequences more serious.  

Suddenly, we are "legal" and we can be arrested for mistakes.  They can cause serious physical and mental pain, and cost us dearly in loss of money.  Also, most adults don't have a caretaker like children do, so there is not that extra set of eyes to see when a mistake is likely to happen.  Of course we need laws and consequences to keep people safe.  However, this idea that we need to make mistakes to learn from them is suspect, in my opinion.

I hear so many people these days saying that it is good to make mistakes because we learn from them and thus become better people.  While I do believe that much can be learned from mistakes, I also think we are an intelligent species, and we don't necessarily need to make mistakes to learn things.

Think about it.  Do you need to be badly burned to learn that fire is dangerous?  Do you need to be homeless to learn how to get a home?  Do you need to have a heart attack to find out that eating bad food and smoking is not good for you?  Is it required for you to get into a car accident to find out that seatbelts are beneficial?  NO!  Of course not!  We can learn without experiencing.  It's called SCHOOL.

Sometimes experiences are helpful, or even necessary to learn something.  But most of our learning can be done without putting ourselves in serious danger.  In fact, we can learn many many things, just sitting on our couch on our laptop.  Imagine that?

I've had a fear of making mistakes most of my life, and I don't think there is not a reason for that.  I have been hurt, embarrassed, and cheated enough times to know that I don't want to make the mistakes that cause those things.  And why should I, if it can be avoided?

Mistakes may play some role in our lives, but I don't think they are as important as many people make them out to be.  As for me, I am perfectly happy making as few mistakes as possible.

Living Life

 As we come to over a year since the pandemic first started, there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel.  There are many people getting vaccinated and many public places are loosening their restrictions on face coverings.  This is all to be taken with a grain of salt, however, because many experts are still saying this is far from over.  There are new varients of the virus, which are more contagious, and it it is still unclear if the vaccine will protect against those.  Also, there are many people who, for whatever reason, still don't want to get vaccinated.  So I look hopefully towards the future, but still stand at the ready for further trouble.

I appologize for the long delay since my last post.  I guess you could say I had a drought of ideas, and only today have I thought of one of interest enough to me to bother writing about.  

I greatly dislike the saying, "Live each day as if it's your last".  I understand the sentiment behind it, and I agree that life should not be wasted.  But I find several problems with it, the first being that if you lived that way, you wouldn't get much accomplished.  Think about what you would want your last day on earth to be like.  I don't think many people would choose to go to school or work as usual, have sub-par food, and end the day with a boring t.v. show.  You would probably want to do something memorable like have a party, go somewhere beautiful or exciting, or doing something you love.  However, it is not practical to do things like  this every day.  Life is a combination of mundane tasks and pleasant moments.  There is no way to elimiate the mundane and still accomplish anything worthwhile.  The best you can do is try to have more good times than bad.

Now maybe when people say, "Live each day as if it's your last" they they don't mean it so literally .  Ok, well that still doesn't work for me.  If you are living that way, you are probably thinking a lot about death.  It is my theory that most people ignore the thought of death 99% of the time, because if they did think about it frequently, they would be very depressed.  Thus defeating the whole purpose of living a happy life.  I know there are those who can think of their own demise without much aggitation.  But, for the vast majority, I think those thoughts are not helpful.

I have heard of people who have had near-death experiences, and some say it is so wonderful on the other side that you would be begging to go there if you knew what it is like.  Where, then, does that leave the living?  Deeply unhappy because they can't yet have what they long for?  Unable to find purpose in life knowing that what waits on the other side is so much better?  I'm not here to debate the existence or non-existence of an afterlife.  I just think that it would leave most people in a precarious position if they felt caught between one world and the next.

For me, taking pleasure in the little things, helping others, working hard, learning, loving, and not dwelling too much on the past or future is the way to go.  It may not be a perfect philosophy, but I don't think there is one.  My hope for you is that you find what works for you, and when the end comes you are content with what your life has been.

Relocation Admiration

 Here we are one year into a pandemic, and I never could have imagined how this all would change our lives so profoundly.  There is hope on the horizon, however.  A vaccine has been developed in record time, and it is being administered as quickly as possible.  But, the trauma will still be there forever.  Millions of people have died or lost loved-ones.  Doctors have been pushed to their limits.  Riots and protests have become commonplace.  Everyone has had to quarantine, many have lost their jobs, and everyone's lives have been profoundly changed forever.  Let us all pray for healing and better days ahead.

Now on to the topic of this post.  I am often very interested in the reasons people move far away and stay in certain places.  Lots of people move for a job opportunity, and from what I can tell, that seems to be the main reason someone moves out of state or out of the country.  Still, many others move just because they want to be with a friend or lover, go to school somewhere, or they just want to experience a different place.

Not being a very brave person myself, I am often awed by those who make a big move and a new life for themselves.  Aside from the difficulty of just getting all your stuff to the new place, there are so many other challenges.  You have to register your kids for school if you have kids.  You have to learn how to find your way around the new place.  You have to start a new job or a new school.  You have to meet new people and find new friends.  You have to find the right stores where you want to shop.  You have to get your car registered and get a new drivers licence.  Also, if you move to a place dramaticallly different from what you are used to, you have to adjust to a new culture.  It all seems so overwhelming to me.

I suppose it isn't very stressful for some people.  Others are probably stressed, but they still take the leap.  I don't know if I could even do that.  Then again, I guess you never know until you try.  For now I will just marval at those who have the guts to try, and listen with great interest to their stories.

The Princess and the Pauper

 I remember not too many years ago, when I was just starting out on my own, money was very tight, and I had to make every cent count.  Fast forward to today, and most of the time, I can spend reasonably without worrying if I will have enough money in my account.  I am grateful for this every day.

As a poor twenty-something in my first apartment, I would go to great lengths to save money because there were times when it came down to a few dollars in my account, and I had to decide what food or medication or bill was most important to pay for.  I have been on food stamps and have gotten free food from a food pantry.  Don't get me wrong.  I was never destitute or homeless. My health was good for the most part, and luckily I had my dad to fall back on if I got in any real trouble.  However, I know many people don't have all of that, and they suffer far worse consequences than I ever did.  That's why it makes me feel so amazed, happy, and blessed to be in an excellent financial situation now.

When money was tight, I always took a calculator to the store and added up every item I wanted so I wouldn't go over what money I had to spend on food.  (Which wasn't always very much.)  Often I would have to put food back before checkout or buy a cheaper item rather than an expensive one.  I dreaded going to the doctor because I couldn't afford it, let alone any medication he or she might prescribe.  Buying a treat for myself like a new item of clothing or going to a movie was a very rare occurrence.  If I got money for my birthday, I would sometimes spend it on food or bills.  Going on a vacation was out of the question.

These days I have a job that I have been at for over 13 years, and Mike makes a very good living at his job as well.  We have medical insurance, a home, two very nice cars, and money in savings.  We eat out frequently and buy things for fun just about any time we have extra money.  We even get to go on vacation here and there.

I'm not saying all this to make anyone jealous or angry.  I can hardly believe my good fortune myself.  I'm only saying that when I hear of people struggling to get by or who are even just a little strapped for cash, I can relate in a big way.  I try to give back when I can, and I never judge or look down on those who have few material possessions.  I only sympathize and hope that one day they can find a way to also turn from a pauper to a princess.   

Whispered Words and Petty Power

 Whispered words.  Sideways glances.  Low tones.  Concerned looks.  We all know the feeling when we know we are being left out of something important.  It's not a good feeling.

Why does it happen?  I feel like if it happens at a business or workplace, it's usually under the guise of being "professional".  People seem to think they are being professional when they withhold information from the lower rank employees.  However, in my experience, it is less about professionalism and more about personal feelings and a petty assertion of power.   

It seems to me like when a person has a little bit of power over someone else, they like to rub it in by whispering about things that don't need to be whispered about.  This makes people with the secret feel more special and important than the people around them.

All these secrets really aren't being kept as much as they are being used to manipulate people.  This bothers me to no end because it only leads to misinformation and negative feelings.  Why not just be honest and open with all your fellow humans?

I can concede the need for some secrets in life, but I think they should rarely, if ever, need to be exploited to make others feel bad.  Maybe I am blind to the inner politics of certain groups.  However, if being in the loop means being secretive and hurtful, leave me in the dark.

The Spector of Suffering

Here we are, many months into this pandemic, with no end in sight.  When it first began, I think many people, including myself, thought it would be a short-lived problem.  But now as we get into it further and further, there is no end in sight and thousands of people have died and continue to die.

You would think that people would come together during this terrible time to fight against this disease.  Not so.  More than ever, there is arguing, fighting, corruption, protests, riots, and dispair.

One of the things people are arguing about, is whether or not wearing a mask slows the spread of COVID-19.  Most experts agree that it is beneficial to wear a mask, so in some areas there are mask mandates, which means you have to wear a mask whenever you are in public.  Many people are extremely angry about this because they think masks don't help and they think the government is trying to control them.

I could be very wrong, but it is my own speculation that people who don't want to wear a mask have never experienced an exceptionally painful, life-threatening illness.  Because let me tell you, I have experienced such a thing, and I would do just about anything to prevent having to go through that again; the least of which is wearing a mask while in public. 

I have had illness where I literally couldn't move without getting very dizzy and vomiting.  I layed on the couch for two days and barely slept because of excessive stomach pain.  I have been to the emergency room and to several doctors who did little but tell me it might be an inner ear problem.  My point is, once you have been that sick, you appreciate a healthy, pain-free life so much more, and you fear feeling that terrible so much that you will do a great many things that might even remotely prevent it from happening again.

From what I hear about COVID-19, it can be quite painful, and also have a negative impact on your health for the rest of your life.  So you bet I am going to do simple things like wear a mask and wash my hands and not have close contact with a lot of people.  I know what it is like to suffer to the point that life is almost unbearable, and I am eager to do what I can to prevent myself from feeling that way again.

Those who are not eager, probably have never suffered to that extreme, or don't believe there is actually a pandemic.  In any case I would say, it doesn't matter to me if there is actually a pandemic.  Just the threat that there might be is enough to make me change my behavior slightly, if only to have a chance to spare myself and others from suffering.  

Once you have been through hell, you never want to go back.   You many have survived, but until you do die, you will live with the spector of suffering.

It's in the Details

Last time I wrote a post I had high hopes of writing more often, but of course life happened and that didn't pan out at all. I suppose that's just the way life is. You do what you can, when you can and you learn to be OK with that. Anyway, I have had this idea in my mind for a post for a long time, and now I have an excuse to finally write it because my husband got my this fabulous new tablet with keyboard for our anniversary. (Isn't he the greatest?) However, before I begin my main topic, I have to apologize for any misspellings that occur. It seems that Blogger has removed the spell check feature, and while I consider myself a decent speller, I am not fool-proof. I really hope that feature is returned to Blogger, since I know of very few people who don't use spell check while writing on a computer. I'm a little annoyed to be honest. But enough of that. 

 I am a very detail-oriented person, so it would be of no surprise to anyone that I notice when other people miss details......a lot. In fact, it's to the point that I see so many details overlooked, that I wonder if I am just extraordinarily gifted at seeing details or other people are just careless and lazy. I am leaning toward the latter. 

 I wouldn't care so much, except I think others are missing out on many wonderful things, or they are making my job harder. For instance, when exact time is of importance, I make note of the time and make sure I don't go over my allowed time. But others don't seem to notice it much at all, or only pay attention if it is something that benefits them, and so I have to remind them of the time over and over if I am the one in charge. Also, people miss amazing and beautiful things by tromping around and being loud and unobservant - a small sound, a quiet voice, a little treasure, a special moment. 

 Maybe that is just the culture now. People are brought up to make sure that they stand out, even if that means squashing everyone else. If they would just pay a little more attention, however, they might learn the value of someone or something other than themselves.

The Equalizers

All men are created equal. That's what it says in the Declaration of Independence, and that's what we believe. Right? Hold on just a second. We want people to be equal. We try our best to make them equal. But by no means are they created equal.

From the moment we are conceived, our inequalities begin to form also. Maybe the mother doesn't take care of herself while she is pregnant, or maybe she does. Maybe a physical or mental disability begins to form. Perhaps the mother gets into some sort of accident that affects the baby. So many things could go right or wrong, and that is only the very beginning.

After we are born, our inequalities only grow. Some kids are born into rich families, while others are very poor. Some kids have very supportive parents, and some have terrible, abusive parents. Being born into a certain race can also have an inpact on how fairly you are treated. So what are we to do about all this inequality? Well I believe the first step is to recongnize it exists, and also that is can never be comepletely eliminated. However, there are things we can do as groups and individuals. We can help the poor and less-fortunate. We can teach the ignorant. We can stand up for those who are treated unfairly. We can give time and money and love.....love most of all. Sadly, the world will never be as fair and equal as would be ideal. There is always hate, corruption, and abuse. We just need to do our best to make sure we are not a part of that, and to change the problems that we do see.

Alone Together

In case you have been living under a rock for the last month, I will let you know that many people are practicing "social distancing" to combat a new and deadly virus called COVID-19. This particular disease has caused a global pandemic and has also ravaged the stock market since many businesses have had to close temporarily. People are asked to stay home and to not gather in groups of more than 10 people to stop the spread of this virus.

Generally, I don't mind staying home at all. I think I like being alone more than most people, and growing up as a loner, I had to find ways to entertain myself. I had become pretty good at it, too. I like to cook, read, scrapbook, draw, sew, write, garden, or craft. Then along came Liam to throw a wrench into all of that. I can't concentrate on much when he is climbing on the table, strewing papers everywhere, or yelling at the top of his lungs incessantly. Also add to that his new found independence and periodic tantrums, and its a wonder I even find the energy to get out of bed in the morning. I can barely find the time to get things done that I don't even want to do (like laundry) let alone the things that I want to do.

I love Liam so much, but it's true what they say that when you become a parent you loose a lot of your alone time and freedom to do whatever you want. You are now beholden to the needs and wants of this tiny person, who doesn't even KNOW what he needs or wants half the time. You care for him out of love, but that doesn't mean you don't sometimes morn your lost alone time. Even as a write this, Liam is napping, or at least being quiet, and I will take it because if he where here he would be pounding on the keyboard or asking over and over for a "cracker", which in his book means any kind of sweet treat. Even though it is more difficult to get alone times these days, I still believe it is important to make time for yourself. Mike is good about taking Liam when I'm at my breaking point, and letting have a breather. I also still get to do some of the things that I want to, just with way more interruptions.

Although it's difficult to give up what I had in terms of "me" time, I really wouldn't trade Liam for anything. As much as he can be difficult to handle, he brings so much joy and love and happiness to my life. Many people are now using the phrase "alone together" to describe this time of self quarantine. So if I have to be alone together with someone, I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else but Mike and Liam.

Good Girl Gone Bad

Growing up, almost everyone who knew me would probably describe me as a "good girl", meaning I didn't break the rules, I usually did what I was told, I got good grades in school, and I was nice to other people. For the most part I liked being the good girl. I didn't often feel an urge to be mean or to do something wrong. I liked doing school work, and it never even really occurred to me that I could defy an adult. At least not an adult other than my parents. I was happy with this lifestyle and persona.

Once I hit my early 20s, however, I tired of trying to always do everything right. I had seen more of the hate and injustice in the world, and I guess that made me just a bit jaded. I wanted to try new things and challenge the things that I thought I already knew. I started drinking and partying, and I decided that I didn't always want to dress modestly. This may all seem kind of extreme, but my version of being "bad" wasn't really all that bad. I still followed the rules for the most part, and I didn't party every night or even every week. I hardly ever drank to excess. Still, I enjoyed my new found freedom, and anyone who knew me as a child would have surely seen a difference.

Fast forward to today. Most of my partying is over, and I only drink one or two drinks on special occasion. But I somehow get a nagging feeling that I am stuck between two worlds. Mostly I want to be good, but I also don't want to be stuck in a box of what is socially acceptable or what people expect me to be. I want to be able to listen to loud, crazy music sometimes, or swear, or dye my hair purple, or get a tattoo without people thinking that I have gone totally insane. I also don't want people to think I am innocently naive or that I never have bad feelings. There are many intricate parts to my personality, and many of them don't fit into the category of "good girl" traits. Really, I just want to be able to be myself without judgement.

Of course it is impossible to escape judgement in a world such as ours. Judgement can be harsh, but I think it is mostly just a tool that helps people know what to do and who to trust. Knowing that, I guess I should stop worrying so much about what other people think, and be the person I want to be. I will be judged either way, and those who are really my friends won't abandon me just because I do something a little different.

Love/Hate

Have you ever had a love/hate relationship? Up until a few years ago I would have said the very idea of such a thing is silly. Either you like someone, or you don't. You get along with someone, or you don't. But now I think I have that exact type of relationship with someone, and I have to say I liked it better when I thought it didn't exist, because it is very confusing. One moment you are getting along perfectly well, and the next they make you feel like you are the scum of the earth.

I would have never thought it possible if it hadn't happened to me. I mean, who can be kind to a person one minute, and a complete jerk the next? I think it is usually someone with some kind of emotional or mental problems. That doesn't make you feel any better, though, when that person is mean to you.

Many times I have sworn off ever talking to this person again, only to be sucked back in the second they show some kindness. I guess I am just a sucker, or I just want to believe in the good in people. I always think that the hurtful comment will be the last one.

I'm not sure what to do with such a relationship other than follow through on my resolve to never speak to them again. Hoping for the best might work as well. Yeah, I might get beat up a little, but maybe in the long run my sacrifice will help that person become the good person that was inside them all along.

Manageable Changes

Posts are getting few and far between these days because chasing around a one-year-old is just as much work as everyone says it is. Also, we finally took the leap and moved into a new house! So far we are loving every bit of it. We love the three bathrooms, the central air, the open concept, and the separate living and bedroom spaces. Truly, I never thought I would be brave enough to move again since the last time we moved it was overwhelmingly stressful. But with lots of help and support from my lovely husband (and a little more support from anxiety medication), we were able to make the move with significantly less stress than last time.

Our new home is a town home, so I don't have to worry about taking care of the yard, which was a major hassle in our last place. It was built in 2000, which is much, much newer than our previous home which was built in 1902. Don't get me wrong, I love the character of historical homes, but I have decided over the years that I am no longer up for the quirks and problems that come with a house like that. Less character, for me, means less cleaning, headaches, and fixing. A fair trade in my book. Overall, it has been a pretty seamless transition.

Being a mother to a toddler, on the other hand, has had a few bumps in the road. Most of the time I am loving how cute he is and how he is learning and growing every day. But then there are those times when he wants to play with everything except his toys, and as soon as you clean up one thing he has already destroyed five more things. Those times make me want to crawl into the closet and scream for a little while. However, all in all, I love being a mother.

I'm hoping that going forward, I will be able to devote more time to blogging. Still, don't hold your breath. I have this little guy to attend to, and who couldn't love a face like this?

A Different Kind of Happy

Having been through many years of infertility struggles, I know what it is like to want a child so bad and to not be able to make it happen. That being said, I now know what it is like to have been pregnant and to have a child, and I am here to say that it is not the end-all be-all. Is it amazing and miraculous? Sure. But there are many other things in life that are amazing and miraculous.

I used to think that I would never be fully happy unless I had a child, and I'm sure that's how many infertile people also feel. However, now that I have seen the situation from both sides, I'm very sure I could have been just as happy without a child as with a child. That doesn't mean that I wish I didn't have my son. He makes my life so happy and joyful and fulfilling in many ways. I just think it is a different kind of happy than if I hadn't had a child.

I know it is difficult if not impossible to convince someone that having a child will not make them happier than not having a child, because they feel like they will never be sure unless they experience it for themselves. I will just put my two cents in and say that it is my belief that you can be just as happy either way. So don't loose hope if you are struggling to conceive and to find your purpose in this world. Life is amazing and complicated and wonderful, and for the most part you never know where your path will take you. Just keep believing that there are different paths to fulfillment and happiness.

Former Grammar Nazi

Well we made it though Christmas with our little boy, and it was surprisingly not that bad. Every day there are new and different challenges being a parent, but I think there is a general upward trend in terms of comfort and ease. Not to say that it is comfortable or easy, but that it is becoming more so. So I thought this time I might channel my old self for a moment and write about something not associated with parenting.

I would say that I am a person who is concerned with proper grammar and spelling. Since I tend to be anxious once in a while, there are many things I am probably overly worried about. Sometimes that helps keep me focused and organized. Other times it stresses me out and I judge others who don't have the same standards as me.

I would like to change the way that I judge other people too harshly, and I recently learned something that is helping me do that. I learned that grammar and language do not adhere to hard and fast rules like we all tend to think they do. In fact they are almost constantly changing. Just think about all the new words that have been added to the dictionary. I remember a time when no one had any idea what "googled" meant. I was sometimes incredulous when new words where added. I would think, "They can't add that! It's slang!" or "That is a dumb word." But I soon came to realize that it doesn't matter what I think of the words. It matters if people as using them. It doesn't even matter if they are using them correctly. The meanings of words can change. Remember when "gay" was only another word for "happy"? I am almost certain that if someone says "gay" these days, it doesn't mean "happy".

Grammar changes also. I would always hear rules like, "Don't start a sentence with "and" or "because"" or "Don't end a sentence with a preposition." I took these rules very seriously for a long time, and, sadly, I only recently realized that they don't really matter. I read books by famous authors who constantly break these rules. In reality, you can write however you want. Grammar and spelling only sometimes help to get your point across.

Old habits die hard, and I will probably be at least somewhat concerned with language and grammar until the day that I die. But I am trying hard not to judge others by the way they use language. Just because something sounds like slang to me, doesn't make it any less valid. Maybe that person grew up in a place where that was the only way language was used. How can I judge them for using the same language that everyone around them uses? How can I look down on someone for not ever hearing how other people might say something? I will always try to look at different language as a learning experience, rather than being dismissive of it, because isn't being open-minded all about learning how other people think and do things?

The Hardest Job On Earth

As I have been taking care of my little baby boy these last couple of months, it has come to my attention how truly difficult it is to take care of a tiny person. It blows my mind how people have more than one child, and raise them right, and little to nothing is said about how grueling it is. I have heard people say how being a parent is the hardest job on earth, but no details are given after that. They don't say how you spend every day in a mind-numbing haze. They don't tell you that you take out the trash four times as often because it is full of diapers. They don't mention that the feeding, changing and breast pumping schedule takes intense planning, organization, and cleaning skills. There is no talk of the worry about every part of your child's physical and mental well-being. All that is left out because of what? Sleep deprivation? Forgetfulness? Not to terrify non-parents? I don't know. All I know is that they are right when they say it is the hardest job on the planet, for all those reasons and many, many more.

I amazes me that as many children as there are have made it through infancy. Someone had to change your diaper, feed you every few hours, sooth your crying, dress you, teach you, and so much more. That goes for bad people or even serial killers. Someone once loved them so much to do all that for them. It also amazes me what kind of people are parents. Crazy people, mean people, not so smart people, emotionally cold people. Yet they all somehow managed to keep a little human alive until they could take care of themselves. Maybe not without some damage along they way, but still.....the care taking takes so many hours and a huge level of commitment. I am just so shocked that so many people have that in them.

As for me, I love my son so much, and that makes it easier to care for him. Maybe that is what makes it tolerable for everyone else. But I still get worried that I won't know what to do when a new stage arrives. I guess most people just live in the moment. That's all you really can do.

For Liam

Well it finally happened! My sweet baby boy Liam Thomas Berube was born 5 weeks early on July 12, 2018 by c-section. Since then I haven't had much time to think, let alone write a blog post. Maybe it is because he was in the NICU for three weeks, or because I was in the hospital for over a week, but parenthood has been a hundred times more difficult than I expected. I really thought I had some sort of grasp of what it would be like, but I had no clue. Now other parents give me a knowing look and I just know that we both now understand the insane difficulty of taking care of a child.

The last couple months are a blur of doctor visits, trips to the NICU, pumping breast milk (which by the way is also way more difficult than anyone lets on), crying (from me and Liam), getting very little sleep, and feeling confused and worried the majority of the time. Now that I have a child I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for the world. Would I recommend having children? HELL NO! Not unless you put no value on your money, sleep, spare time, and sanity. I truly have no idea how anyone every decides to have more than one child. Having one just about drove me to my limits.

I now take back any judgment I passed on any parents in the past. Knowing what I know now, I understand that most of them are just clinging to sanity and are at their wits end with the lack of sleep and increased demands on every part of their bodies and minds. I really did think that most parents where exaggerating when they talked about the difficultly of childbirth and parenting. Now, having had a c-section, I feel moderately traumatized and not at all sure how women act like it is no big deal. And parenting......well lets just say my anxiety will probably be ten times as high from now until eternity.

But as I write this, I look over, and there is an angel sleeping in a swing a few feet from me, and I couldn't imagine loving anything more than this beautiful little life. My heart swells with pride for him, and drops at the thought of any sadness or pain he might have. I hope and pray for his health and happiness more than anything. This little boy has changed my life in so many ways, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Uninspired

I like to think of myself as a somewhat creative person. As a child I always gravitated towards art, writing, and music way more than things like science, math, and technology. I am far from as talented as those who create art for a living, but I also think I have a certain knack for seeing things that others don't and creating some sort of art out of what I see. Well lately I just can't seem to find that creative spark. I want to draw something badly, but every time I try to think of something I draw, I have few ideas and I reject every one of them.

I've heard of this creative block happening to other people before, and I'm not sure how they get out of it. Should I just start drawing something even though my heart is not into it? Is creating art a skill that needs to be practiced, or is it simply talent and inspiration? I must admit that part of my hesitation to draw is that I don't feel like I am good enough. I know I am better than some, however I feel I pale in comparison to some of the artists I see on the internet. I know art is not really meant to be compared. It is your own expression and is thus meant to be something only you can create. But let's admit it, everyone judges artwork and if they feel you are not good enough, they will usually let it be known.

I am somewhat of the opinion that art does need to be practiced to improve certain techniques and abilities. It's just so hard to practice something that also requires a certain amount of dedication and emotion to create. If you don't feel the emotion, you don't want to practice, and you find yourself in a never-ending spiral of not doing anything. I hope I can find my inspiration again soon, because once I have a little baby to take care of, I know I will have even less time and energy to devote to art. I certainly don't want to think that my drive to create has ended forever.

Major Changes

I have decided I am finally ready to announce what the "major changes" are that I mentioned in a previous post. Mike and I are expecting a baby boy in August! It came as such a shock at first because I had pretty much given up on having children after seven years of no success. Even now there are moments I can hardly believe that this is happening. Of course I was so happy when I found out, but I also had to make a big mental adjustment. After seven years of convincing myself that I could be happy without children, I was finally starting to settle into that attitude. Then in an instant I had to switch back to the idea that I was going to be a mother. That is a lot for anyone to take.

Now I am so overjoyed and filled with love when I think of my little boy or when I feel his tiny kicks inside of me. But another emotion that comes with getting pregnant is worry. I worry that he will be healthy. I worry about protecting him from the harsh world he is being born into. I worry about whether I will be a good mom, and how I will know what is best for him. I worry about teaching him what is right and providing for him.

I am hoping that many things will come naturally and that I will also learn a lot from friends and family. I may be an older mother with less energy, but one thing I have going for me is more knowledge and life experience. I know I won't be a perfect mom, but I know I will be better now than when I was in my 20's. I also know that this little boy will be loved a huge amount by so many people, and that can't hurt is odds at growing up well.

So I guess now I am officially a mommy blogger. It still blows my mind that someone will call me "mom". However, all big changes take a bit of time to adjust to. I'm sure in no time I couldn't imagine my life without my little boy.