Left Behind

Ever since I was a young child I remember often having a feeling of missing out on something or being left behind. Like when it was my bedtime but my parents were still doing something in the living room. I always wanted to be where they where rather than going to sleep. Not that I didn't want to sleep, but that I didn't want to miss out on what they were doing. Or when I went to summer camp one year and at the end I stayed behind with one of the leaders to finish cleaning and packing up. I felt so sad being one of the last people left in a place where such a large group had had so much fun. I felt uneasy and I couldn't wait to get out of there. Or sometimes when I go to bed at night I think of all the people who are still awake and out doing things and I feel like I am missing something by going to sleep.

These may be odd feelings to have. I truly don't know if many people can understand the feelings I am talking about. Is it just a depression from something fun being over? Is it fear of being alone? Is it anxiety that you won't get to do all the things you want to in life? I don't know.

Another similar feeling comes to me sometimes ever since I found out that there are so many people in the world that even if you flashed a picture of one person per second in front of you for your entire life you still wouldn't even see a fraction of them. That is just SEEING them. Take into account that every person on earth deserves to be loved and understood and deeply known, and you see that it is beyond impossible for one person to do that. It may seem ridiculous that I have a desire to know and understand every individual on earth, but that is kind of how I feel sometimes. It is frustrating to know that it can never happen.

I guess all these feelings may come from a desire to know EVERYTHING and do EVERYTHING. It's not possible, yet my brain still wants to try. It still feels the defeat of failing the impossible task. Weird? Maybe. Common? Maybe. When I get these kinds of feelings all I can do is remind myself that it is not possible to know all things at this time, but maybe it will be in another time and place...