For Liam

Well it finally happened! My sweet baby boy Liam Thomas Berube was born 5 weeks early on July 12, 2018 by c-section. Since then I haven't had much time to think, let alone write a blog post. Maybe it is because he was in the NICU for three weeks, or because I was in the hospital for over a week, but parenthood has been a hundred times more difficult than I expected. I really thought I had some sort of grasp of what it would be like, but I had no clue. Now other parents give me a knowing look and I just know that we both now understand the insane difficulty of taking care of a child.

The last couple months are a blur of doctor visits, trips to the NICU, pumping breast milk (which by the way is also way more difficult than anyone lets on), crying (from me and Liam), getting very little sleep, and feeling confused and worried the majority of the time. Now that I have a child I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for the world. Would I recommend having children? HELL NO! Not unless you put no value on your money, sleep, spare time, and sanity. I truly have no idea how anyone every decides to have more than one child. Having one just about drove me to my limits.

I now take back any judgment I passed on any parents in the past. Knowing what I know now, I understand that most of them are just clinging to sanity and are at their wits end with the lack of sleep and increased demands on every part of their bodies and minds. I really did think that most parents where exaggerating when they talked about the difficultly of childbirth and parenting. Now, having had a c-section, I feel moderately traumatized and not at all sure how women act like it is no big deal. And parenting......well lets just say my anxiety will probably be ten times as high from now until eternity.

But as I write this, I look over, and there is an angel sleeping in a swing a few feet from me, and I couldn't imagine loving anything more than this beautiful little life. My heart swells with pride for him, and drops at the thought of any sadness or pain he might have. I hope and pray for his health and happiness more than anything. This little boy has changed my life in so many ways, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Uninspired

I like to think of myself as a somewhat creative person. As a child I always gravitated towards art, writing, and music way more than things like science, math, and technology. I am far from as talented as those who create art for a living, but I also think I have a certain knack for seeing things that others don't and creating some sort of art out of what I see. Well lately I just can't seem to find that creative spark. I want to draw something badly, but every time I try to think of something I draw, I have few ideas and I reject every one of them.

I've heard of this creative block happening to other people before, and I'm not sure how they get out of it. Should I just start drawing something even though my heart is not into it? Is creating art a skill that needs to be practiced, or is it simply talent and inspiration? I must admit that part of my hesitation to draw is that I don't feel like I am good enough. I know I am better than some, however I feel I pale in comparison to some of the artists I see on the internet. I know art is not really meant to be compared. It is your own expression and is thus meant to be something only you can create. But let's admit it, everyone judges artwork and if they feel you are not good enough, they will usually let it be known.

I am somewhat of the opinion that art does need to be practiced to improve certain techniques and abilities. It's just so hard to practice something that also requires a certain amount of dedication and emotion to create. If you don't feel the emotion, you don't want to practice, and you find yourself in a never-ending spiral of not doing anything. I hope I can find my inspiration again soon, because once I have a little baby to take care of, I know I will have even less time and energy to devote to art. I certainly don't want to think that my drive to create has ended forever.

Major Changes

I have decided I am finally ready to announce what the "major changes" are that I mentioned in a previous post. Mike and I are expecting a baby boy in August! It came as such a shock at first because I had pretty much given up on having children after seven years of no success. Even now there are moments I can hardly believe that this is happening. Of course I was so happy when I found out, but I also had to make a big mental adjustment. After seven years of convincing myself that I could be happy without children, I was finally starting to settle into that attitude. Then in an instant I had to switch back to the idea that I was going to be a mother. That is a lot for anyone to take.

Now I am so overjoyed and filled with love when I think of my little boy or when I feel his tiny kicks inside of me. But another emotion that comes with getting pregnant is worry. I worry that he will be healthy. I worry about protecting him from the harsh world he is being born into. I worry about whether I will be a good mom, and how I will know what is best for him. I worry about teaching him what is right and providing for him.

I am hoping that many things will come naturally and that I will also learn a lot from friends and family. I may be an older mother with less energy, but one thing I have going for me is more knowledge and life experience. I know I won't be a perfect mom, but I know I will be better now than when I was in my 20's. I also know that this little boy will be loved a huge amount by so many people, and that can't hurt is odds at growing up well.

So I guess now I am officially a mommy blogger. It still blows my mind that someone will call me "mom". However, all big changes take a bit of time to adjust to. I'm sure in no time I couldn't imagine my life without my little boy.

Invisible Danger

Almost as long as I have been old enough to understand such things, I have had a fear of things that are invisible or nearly invisible, but can cause grave illness or death. This fear includes things like toxic chemicals that can be found just about anywhere, radiation, mold spores, bacteria, viruses, tiny insects that can infect or bite, or even sometimes ghosts or demons. Most days I am like any other average person with few thoughts of these kinds of things. But on a bad day I can be consumed with thoughts and fears that make it nearly impossible to enjoy life or function.

I'm not sure where this fear came from other than the basic human instinct for self-preservation. I have learned to cope with it somewhat, but I am always looking for ways to become stronger. Sometimes I have to actually tell myself out loud to "be brave". Other times I have to listen to music or distract myself somehow. Other times I pray (even though I am not a particularly religious person). Most of the time I just have to tell myself that life in general is not risk-free. Everyone is exposed to things daily that could kill them sooner or later. I guess the trick is to not let those things keep you from living your best life. You can't prevent everything that could potentially cause harm to your body, and you don't know when your times will be up. So I suppose the best way to live is with as little fear and as much joy as possible. Putting that into practice is not at all easy. But if I keep working on it constantly, I think I will always be improving my happiness level. And that is all I can really ask for myself and for anyone else.

Left Behind

I've really been slacking on the blog posts recently. In my defense, I have had some major changes happening in my life. But that is a topic I will have to discuss at a later time. For now I wanted to write about abandoned places and feeling left behind.

This may seem like an odd thing to write about, but for some reason it has been an underlying concern for me for most of my life. As long as I can remember, I don't like being the last person to leave a place or feeling like I am left behind. It just makes me sad and uncomfortable, like I am somehow left with the ghosts of what happened there, which are never half as satisfying as when you are living through the real thing. It makes me sad for what is over and will never happen again. It also makes me feel like everyone else has moved on and I have been left behind to be forgotten about like the place. I know it doesn't make much sense, since we are always moving on from one place to the next. I guess I just have a harder time than most people letting go of a good moment when it is over.

Abandoned buildings make me feel a similar sadness to being left behind. In a way I feel the same loss for all the good things that happened in that place, even though I was never a part of it. I think of the abandoned objects inside these places that were once so important and now are forgotten. Just driving past an abandoned place can bring on a heavy sadness. I almost feel bad for the building even though it has no feelings.

Over the years I have tried to develop ways to overcome this irrational sadness. I try to think of the good things ahead instead of what is being left behind. I try to realize that everything is in a constant state of change, and nothing lasts too long. But mostly I just try to not think too hard about what is over and what has been lost. Because if you only focus on your loss, you will never see all the things that you have.

Linked

In today's modern world we are surrounded by technology pretty much 24/7. We use phones, computers, machines, cars, and all kinds of fancy gadgets that make our lives easier. For the most part I don't mind all the technology. My washing machine washes clothes in a fraction of the time of hand washing. My GPS on my phone makes it simple to get just about anywhere. The internet has news and answers to thousands of burning questions.

The thing that I don't like about all this technology is how everything somehow becomes linked, and for the life of you, you can't break or change these links. Your phone is linked to your computer, which is linked to your t.v., which is linked to you car, which is linked to your refrigerator (seriously), which is linked to your tablet, which is linked to your laptop, which is linked to the internet, which is linked to every online account you have ever created, which is link to EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD! Ok so maybe not that far. But these links can become troublesome at times.

For one thing, because of these links, when I take a picture on my phone, it automatically knows when and where the photo was taken. It saves this information along with the actual photo to my phone. But the photo also gets saved to other accounts I may have created like Google Photo. Somehow, I seem to end up with about five different copies of a photo I didn't even like in the first place, and if I delete one copy, you better believe that the other four are still floating around out there to pop up at the most inopportune times.

This doesn't just happen with photos, either. Contacts, e-mail addresses, and all kinds of old information seems to get locked in a vault of "Things You Can Never Get Rid Of No Matter How Hard You Try". I have actually had my phone tell me that I can't delete something because it is linked to another account! How crazy is that?! This really messes with my nerves when my anxiety gives me the urge to de-clutter, but my electronics won't allow it.

All these links also make it hard to keep things separate that you want separate. What, you don't want your Facebook linked to your Pinterest, to your Fitbit, to your Instagram, to your e-mail, to your phone? Too bad! It automatically linked for you, and good luck un-doing that! No one anywhere will be short of information of what you are doing and where you are every second of the day!

I don't mean to sound like a grouchy old woman who wants nothing to do with technology, but sometimes I just get overwhelmed by it and I need my space. I enjoy browsing Pinterest or Facebook as much as the next person, but I don't want my every action to be recorded and shared with the world. I guess there is no getting around it, though. With more convenience comes the price of less privacy and more complications. I suppose all we can do is keep our accounts and our technology usage to a more tolerable level, and when you are feeling exhausted by all of it, maybe unplug and do something more tangible.

You Do

Once in a while I like to go to fancy stores where all the employees have to dress like they are going to the opera, and almost everything is far out of my price range. I like to go to these kinds of stores mostly because they are fun to browse. They have unique and sometimes high-quality things that you can't find anywhere else. Once in a while I will even splurge and buy something from one of these stores.

But when I go to expensive stores, I also often start to wonder what it would be like to have enough money to buy anything, or as many things as I liked from one of those places. What if I could buy the finest of everything? What if I could have all the rooms in my house look like the perfect and beautiful displays in the stores? After thinking about this question for some time, I decided that I wouldn't want to be able to buy everything in an expensive store, and of course I have my reasons.

My first reasoning is that it would be a waste. I have most things I need, and buying more would just be wrong for me and for the planet. I don't need to cause more pollution and waste just so I can have a pretty house. Second of all, if I had that much money, I would want to use it for more productive things, like helping others, trying new experiences, or creating something that will help the world. I'm not entirely sure what that would look like, but if I had the money, I'm sure I would figure it out. I'm not a perfect person, but I definitely wouldn't enjoy keeping all of that kind of money to myself.

My last reason for not wanting the finest of everything is my most important reason. It's a lie. I think if you have so much money that you never have to think about the cost of anything, it is easy to get sucked into your own little world of imported linens, handmade soap, and the best cookware. You start to expect only the best, and you start to forget that there are people who don't even have a toilet or running water. Or at the very least you start to disconnect from how those people might feel. This is dangerous because if we only think of ourselves, we are actually unconsciously destroying ourselves and our world. It may not happen quickly, but if you neglect others it will eventually catch up to you. We are only as strong as our weakest link. If we refuse to share what we have with others, we are only making that weak link weaker.

I know not all rich people are bad and want to hoard their money. But I know that lots of money can often put a strange spell of selfishness and greed over some people. Don't let the money lie to you and tell you that you have everything you need. You need friends more than a new car. You need a planet more than a new house. You need love and understanding in the world more than a diamond ring. Believe me. You do.