Growing up, almost everyone who knew me would probably describe me as a "good girl", meaning I didn't break the rules, I usually did what I was told, I got good grades in school, and I was nice to other people. For the most part I liked being the good girl. I didn't often feel an urge to be mean or to do something wrong. I liked doing school work, and it never even really occurred to me that I could defy an adult. At least not an adult other than my parents. I was happy with this lifestyle and persona.
Once I hit my early 20s, however, I tired of trying to always do everything right. I had seen more of the hate and injustice in the world, and I guess that made me just a bit jaded. I wanted to try new things and challenge the things that I thought I already knew. I started drinking and partying, and I decided that I didn't always want to dress modestly. This may all seem kind of extreme, but my version of being "bad" wasn't really all that bad. I still followed the rules for the most part, and I didn't party every night or even every week. I hardly ever drank to excess. Still, I enjoyed my new found freedom, and anyone who knew me as a child would have surely seen a difference.
Fast forward to today. Most of my partying is over, and I only drink one or two drinks on special occasion. But I somehow get a nagging feeling that I am stuck between two worlds. Mostly I want to be good, but I also don't want to be stuck in a box of what is socially acceptable or what people expect me to be. I want to be able to listen to loud, crazy music sometimes, or swear, or dye my hair purple, or get a tattoo without people thinking that I have gone totally insane. I also don't want people to think I am innocently naive or that I never have bad feelings. There are many intricate parts to my personality, and many of them don't fit into the category of "good girl" traits. Really, I just want to be able to be myself without judgement.
Of course it is impossible to escape judgement in a world such as ours. Judgement can be harsh, but I think it is mostly just a tool that helps people know what to do and who to trust. Knowing that, I guess I should stop worrying so much about what other people think, and be the person I want to be. I will be judged either way, and those who are really my friends won't abandon me just because I do something a little different.
Monday, February 24, 2020
Friday, December 27, 2019
Love/Hate
Have you ever had a love/hate relationship? Up until a few years ago I would have said the very idea of such a thing is silly. Either you like someone, or you don't. You get along with someone, or you don't. But now I think I have that exact type of relationship with someone, and I have to say I liked it better when I thought it didn't exist, because it is very confusing. One moment you are getting along perfectly well, and the next they make you feel like you are the scum of the earth.
I would have never thought it possible if it hadn't happened to me. I mean, who can be kind to a person one minute, and a complete jerk the next? I think it is usually someone with some kind of emotional or mental problems. That doesn't make you feel any better, though, when that person is mean to you.
Many times I have sworn off ever talking to this person again, only to be sucked back in the second they show some kindness. I guess I am just a sucker, or I just want to believe in the good in people. I always think that the hurtful comment will be the last one.
I'm not sure what to do with such a relationship other than follow through on my resolve to never speak to them again. Hoping for the best might work as well. Yeah, I might get beat up a little, but maybe in the long run my sacrifice will help that person become the good person that was inside them all along.
I would have never thought it possible if it hadn't happened to me. I mean, who can be kind to a person one minute, and a complete jerk the next? I think it is usually someone with some kind of emotional or mental problems. That doesn't make you feel any better, though, when that person is mean to you.
Many times I have sworn off ever talking to this person again, only to be sucked back in the second they show some kindness. I guess I am just a sucker, or I just want to believe in the good in people. I always think that the hurtful comment will be the last one.
I'm not sure what to do with such a relationship other than follow through on my resolve to never speak to them again. Hoping for the best might work as well. Yeah, I might get beat up a little, but maybe in the long run my sacrifice will help that person become the good person that was inside them all along.
Friday, August 30, 2019
Manageable Changes
Posts are getting few and far between these days because chasing around a one-year-old is just as much work as everyone says it is. Also, we finally took the leap and moved into a new house! So far we are loving every bit of it. We love the three bathrooms, the central air, the open concept, and the separate living and bedroom spaces. Truly, I never thought I would be brave enough to move again since the last time we moved it was overwhelmingly stressful. But with lots of help and support from my lovely husband (and a little more support from anxiety medication), we were able to make the move with significantly less stress than last time.
Our new home is a town home, so I don't have to worry about taking care of the yard, which was a major hassle in our last place. It was built in 2000, which is much, much newer than our previous home which was built in 1902. Don't get me wrong, I love the character of historical homes, but I have decided over the years that I am no longer up for the quirks and problems that come with a house like that. Less character, for me, means less cleaning, headaches, and fixing. A fair trade in my book. Overall, it has been a pretty seamless transition.
Being a mother to a toddler, on the other hand, has had a few bumps in the road. Most of the time I am loving how cute he is and how he is learning and growing every day. But then there are those times when he wants to play with everything except his toys, and as soon as you clean up one thing he has already destroyed five more things. Those times make me want to crawl into the closet and scream for a little while. However, all in all, I love being a mother.
I'm hoping that going forward, I will be able to devote more time to blogging. Still, don't hold your breath. I have this little guy to attend to, and who couldn't love a face like this?
Our new home is a town home, so I don't have to worry about taking care of the yard, which was a major hassle in our last place. It was built in 2000, which is much, much newer than our previous home which was built in 1902. Don't get me wrong, I love the character of historical homes, but I have decided over the years that I am no longer up for the quirks and problems that come with a house like that. Less character, for me, means less cleaning, headaches, and fixing. A fair trade in my book. Overall, it has been a pretty seamless transition.
Being a mother to a toddler, on the other hand, has had a few bumps in the road. Most of the time I am loving how cute he is and how he is learning and growing every day. But then there are those times when he wants to play with everything except his toys, and as soon as you clean up one thing he has already destroyed five more things. Those times make me want to crawl into the closet and scream for a little while. However, all in all, I love being a mother.
I'm hoping that going forward, I will be able to devote more time to blogging. Still, don't hold your breath. I have this little guy to attend to, and who couldn't love a face like this?
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
A Different Kind of Happy
Having been through many years of infertility struggles, I know what it is like to want a child so bad and to not be able to make it happen. That being said, I now know what it is like to have been pregnant and to have a child, and I am here to say that it is not the end-all be-all. Is it amazing and miraculous? Sure. But there are many other things in life that are amazing and miraculous.
I used to think that I would never be fully happy unless I had a child, and I'm sure that's how many infertile people also feel. However, now that I have seen the situation from both sides, I'm very sure I could have been just as happy without a child as with a child. That doesn't mean that I wish I didn't have my son. He makes my life so happy and joyful and fulfilling in many ways. I just think it is a different kind of happy than if I hadn't had a child.
I know it is difficult if not impossible to convince someone that having a child will not make them happier than not having a child, because they feel like they will never be sure unless they experience it for themselves. I will just put my two cents in and say that it is my belief that you can be just as happy either way. So don't loose hope if you are struggling to conceive and to find your purpose in this world. Life is amazing and complicated and wonderful, and for the most part you never know where your path will take you. Just keep believing that there are different paths to fulfillment and happiness.
I used to think that I would never be fully happy unless I had a child, and I'm sure that's how many infertile people also feel. However, now that I have seen the situation from both sides, I'm very sure I could have been just as happy without a child as with a child. That doesn't mean that I wish I didn't have my son. He makes my life so happy and joyful and fulfilling in many ways. I just think it is a different kind of happy than if I hadn't had a child.
I know it is difficult if not impossible to convince someone that having a child will not make them happier than not having a child, because they feel like they will never be sure unless they experience it for themselves. I will just put my two cents in and say that it is my belief that you can be just as happy either way. So don't loose hope if you are struggling to conceive and to find your purpose in this world. Life is amazing and complicated and wonderful, and for the most part you never know where your path will take you. Just keep believing that there are different paths to fulfillment and happiness.
Thursday, January 17, 2019
Former Grammar Nazi
Well we made it though Christmas with our little boy, and it was surprisingly not that bad. Every day there are new and different challenges being a parent, but I think there is a general upward trend in terms of comfort and ease. Not to say that it is comfortable or easy, but that it is becoming more so. So I thought this time I might channel my old self for a moment and write about something not associated with parenting.
I would say that I am a person who is concerned with proper grammar and spelling. Since I tend to be anxious once in a while, there are many things I am probably overly worried about. Sometimes that helps keep me focused and organized. Other times it stresses me out and I judge others who don't have the same standards as me.
I would like to change the way that I judge other people too harshly, and I recently learned something that is helping me do that. I learned that grammar and language do not adhere to hard and fast rules like we all tend to think they do. In fact they are almost constantly changing. Just think about all the new words that have been added to the dictionary. I remember a time when no one had any idea what "googled" meant. I was sometimes incredulous when new words where added. I would think, "They can't add that! It's slang!" or "That is a dumb word." But I soon came to realize that it doesn't matter what I think of the words. It matters if people as using them. It doesn't even matter if they are using them correctly. The meanings of words can change. Remember when "gay" was only another word for "happy"? I am almost certain that if someone says "gay" these days, it doesn't mean "happy".
Grammar changes also. I would always hear rules like, "Don't start a sentence with "and" or "because"" or "Don't end a sentence with a preposition." I took these rules very seriously for a long time, and, sadly, I only recently realized that they don't really matter. I read books by famous authors who constantly break these rules. In reality, you can write however you want. Grammar and spelling only sometimes help to get your point across.
Old habits die hard, and I will probably be at least somewhat concerned with language and grammar until the day that I die. But I am trying hard not to judge others by the way they use language. Just because something sounds like slang to me, doesn't make it any less valid. Maybe that person grew up in a place where that was the only way language was used. How can I judge them for using the same language that everyone around them uses? How can I look down on someone for not ever hearing how other people might say something? I will always try to look at different language as a learning experience, rather than being dismissive of it, because isn't being open-minded all about learning how other people think and do things?
I would say that I am a person who is concerned with proper grammar and spelling. Since I tend to be anxious once in a while, there are many things I am probably overly worried about. Sometimes that helps keep me focused and organized. Other times it stresses me out and I judge others who don't have the same standards as me.
I would like to change the way that I judge other people too harshly, and I recently learned something that is helping me do that. I learned that grammar and language do not adhere to hard and fast rules like we all tend to think they do. In fact they are almost constantly changing. Just think about all the new words that have been added to the dictionary. I remember a time when no one had any idea what "googled" meant. I was sometimes incredulous when new words where added. I would think, "They can't add that! It's slang!" or "That is a dumb word." But I soon came to realize that it doesn't matter what I think of the words. It matters if people as using them. It doesn't even matter if they are using them correctly. The meanings of words can change. Remember when "gay" was only another word for "happy"? I am almost certain that if someone says "gay" these days, it doesn't mean "happy".
Grammar changes also. I would always hear rules like, "Don't start a sentence with "and" or "because"" or "Don't end a sentence with a preposition." I took these rules very seriously for a long time, and, sadly, I only recently realized that they don't really matter. I read books by famous authors who constantly break these rules. In reality, you can write however you want. Grammar and spelling only sometimes help to get your point across.
Old habits die hard, and I will probably be at least somewhat concerned with language and grammar until the day that I die. But I am trying hard not to judge others by the way they use language. Just because something sounds like slang to me, doesn't make it any less valid. Maybe that person grew up in a place where that was the only way language was used. How can I judge them for using the same language that everyone around them uses? How can I look down on someone for not ever hearing how other people might say something? I will always try to look at different language as a learning experience, rather than being dismissive of it, because isn't being open-minded all about learning how other people think and do things?
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
The Hardest Job On Earth
As I have been taking care of my little baby boy these last couple of months, it has come to my attention how truly difficult it is to take care of a tiny person. It blows my mind how people have more than one child, and raise them right, and little to nothing is said about how grueling it is. I have heard people say how being a parent is the hardest job on earth, but no details are given after that. They don't say how you spend every day in a mind-numbing haze. They don't tell you that you take out the trash four times as often because it is full of diapers. They don't mention that the feeding, changing and breast pumping schedule takes intense planning, organization, and cleaning skills. There is no talk of the worry about every part of your child's physical and mental well-being. All that is left out because of what? Sleep deprivation? Forgetfulness? Not to terrify non-parents? I don't know. All I know is that they are right when they say it is the hardest job on the planet, for all those reasons and many, many more.
I amazes me that as many children as there are have made it through infancy. Someone had to change your diaper, feed you every few hours, sooth your crying, dress you, teach you, and so much more. That goes for bad people or even serial killers. Someone once loved them so much to do all that for them. It also amazes me what kind of people are parents. Crazy people, mean people, not so smart people, emotionally cold people. Yet they all somehow managed to keep a little human alive until they could take care of themselves. Maybe not without some damage along they way, but still.....the care taking takes so many hours and a huge level of commitment. I am just so shocked that so many people have that in them.
As for me, I love my son so much, and that makes it easier to care for him. Maybe that is what makes it tolerable for everyone else. But I still get worried that I won't know what to do when a new stage arrives. I guess most people just live in the moment. That's all you really can do.
I amazes me that as many children as there are have made it through infancy. Someone had to change your diaper, feed you every few hours, sooth your crying, dress you, teach you, and so much more. That goes for bad people or even serial killers. Someone once loved them so much to do all that for them. It also amazes me what kind of people are parents. Crazy people, mean people, not so smart people, emotionally cold people. Yet they all somehow managed to keep a little human alive until they could take care of themselves. Maybe not without some damage along they way, but still.....the care taking takes so many hours and a huge level of commitment. I am just so shocked that so many people have that in them.
As for me, I love my son so much, and that makes it easier to care for him. Maybe that is what makes it tolerable for everyone else. But I still get worried that I won't know what to do when a new stage arrives. I guess most people just live in the moment. That's all you really can do.
Thursday, August 30, 2018
For Liam
Well it finally happened! My sweet baby boy Liam Thomas Berube was born 5 weeks early on July 12, 2018 by c-section. Since then I haven't had much time to think, let alone write a blog post. Maybe it is because he was in the NICU for three weeks, or because I was in the hospital for over a week, but parenthood has been a hundred times more difficult than I expected. I really thought I had some sort of grasp of what it would be like, but I had no clue. Now other parents give me a knowing look and I just know that we both now understand the insane difficulty of taking care of a child.
The last couple months are a blur of doctor visits, trips to the NICU, pumping breast milk (which by the way is also way more difficult than anyone lets on), crying (from me and Liam), getting very little sleep, and feeling confused and worried the majority of the time. Now that I have a child I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for the world. Would I recommend having children? HELL NO! Not unless you put no value on your money, sleep, spare time, and sanity. I truly have no idea how anyone every decides to have more than one child. Having one just about drove me to my limits.
I now take back any judgment I passed on any parents in the past. Knowing what I know now, I understand that most of them are just clinging to sanity and are at their wits end with the lack of sleep and increased demands on every part of their bodies and minds. I really did think that most parents where exaggerating when they talked about the difficultly of childbirth and parenting. Now, having had a c-section, I feel moderately traumatized and not at all sure how women act like it is no big deal. And parenting......well lets just say my anxiety will probably be ten times as high from now until eternity.
But as I write this, I look over, and there is an angel sleeping in a swing a few feet from me, and I couldn't imagine loving anything more than this beautiful little life. My heart swells with pride for him, and drops at the thought of any sadness or pain he might have. I hope and pray for his health and happiness more than anything. This little boy has changed my life in so many ways, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
The last couple months are a blur of doctor visits, trips to the NICU, pumping breast milk (which by the way is also way more difficult than anyone lets on), crying (from me and Liam), getting very little sleep, and feeling confused and worried the majority of the time. Now that I have a child I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for the world. Would I recommend having children? HELL NO! Not unless you put no value on your money, sleep, spare time, and sanity. I truly have no idea how anyone every decides to have more than one child. Having one just about drove me to my limits.
I now take back any judgment I passed on any parents in the past. Knowing what I know now, I understand that most of them are just clinging to sanity and are at their wits end with the lack of sleep and increased demands on every part of their bodies and minds. I really did think that most parents where exaggerating when they talked about the difficultly of childbirth and parenting. Now, having had a c-section, I feel moderately traumatized and not at all sure how women act like it is no big deal. And parenting......well lets just say my anxiety will probably be ten times as high from now until eternity.
But as I write this, I look over, and there is an angel sleeping in a swing a few feet from me, and I couldn't imagine loving anything more than this beautiful little life. My heart swells with pride for him, and drops at the thought of any sadness or pain he might have. I hope and pray for his health and happiness more than anything. This little boy has changed my life in so many ways, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)