More Than Choices

I came across a quote on the internet that said, "Your life is a result of your choices. If you don't like your life, it's time to make some better choices." I know this is meant to be a motivational saying, but I really dislike quotes like this.

For one thing, your life is not solely a result of your choices. Yes that is a big part, but it is also a result of other people's choices, your environment, your physiology, your failure to make choices, and more variables than could ever be pinned down as the only source of an unsatisfactory life. In short, your total life satisfaction is a result of many things, only one of which is choice.

If a person decides to make better choices, I'm all for it. I think good choices can go a long way in improving quality of life. But it will not solve everything. Better choices do not solve being born in a third-world country. Better choices do not solve being born with a mental illness. Better choices don't solve being abused as a child. Better choices aren't the cure for lack of access to nutritional food and clean water. Choices can make a difference, but the quote implies that choices are the only thing holding you back from a better life.

Instead of choices, I like to focus on attitude. When life puts you in situations where you have no choice but to deal with it, your attitude is the only thing you can control, and it can make a big difference. Say you are born into a poor family. Your choices may get you out of that situation eventually, but if they don't, where does that leave you? You feel defeated and like you can't make any good choices. You feel like a failure at life. Now imagine that you change your attitude toward being poor. Whether you become fabulously rich or not, you feel happy. You know what is important in life and you appreciate what you have. You value friends and family and you help others because you know what it is like to be down.

Your attitude improves your life satisfaction whether you get what you want or not. Choices can improves your circumstances, but not your always your satisfaction. If you want to improve your life, I would suggest having a good attitude first and foremost, and THEN making wise choices. Because I don't believe your life is a result of your choices. It is a result of many things, but only attitude can make the result a positive one no matter how it turns out.

My Veiwpoint

I've been feeling a little down lately. I think this time of year is a little blah, especially if you don't have a lot of stuff to keep you busy. And sometimes even if you do have a lot of things to keep you busy, you don't want to do any of them because you feel blah. It's also been tough without Beary to keep me company. I'm sure we will eventually get another dog, but right now it seems impossible that I could ever find a dog half as wonderful as Bear was.

It will come as no surprise to most people that because of my shyness I struggle to communicate with other people. Sometimes that leads to serious misunderstandings or disagreements, and sometimes it leads to just a general lack of interest in me or my feelings. I know not everyone will like me, and I am fine with that. What I don't like is when people don't grant me the same courtesy or respect that I give them. You may disagree with me or even dislike me, but at least be respectful of me and try to see things from my point-of-view.

Many times I have run into people who treat me rudely or unkindly for no reason that I am aware of. My best guess is that I inadvertently did something to upset them, or they are just in a bad mood and they take it out on me or others around them. In either case it is completely unfair to not even hint to me where your aggression is coming from. How am I supposed to correct my mistakes if I don't know what is wrong? And how are you supposed to better yourself if you constantly take out your anger on innocent people?

We all have bad days, and even I occasionally slip and snap at someone for no reason or am rude for no reason. But if you catch yourself doing this over and over, you might want to take a step back and think what you can do differently. Think - How does the other person feel? What could be happening in the other person's life to make them feel upset? How can I react with kindness instead of vengeance? How can I make those around me more happy? How can I make myself more happy?

We can't control the actions of others. We can only control our own. But I truly believe that the things that will make others happy will also lead to our own happiness. So when we control our anger, we not only benefit others, but we benefit ourselves.

Imitation

Wow. I just noticed my blog got 139 views yesterday. I don't know if people are actually reading it or just stumbled upon it by accident. Even though I know all my writing is out there for anyone to see, it's a little daunting to actually imagine that many people reading my little thoughts. All I can say is thanks for reading, and remember, be kind with me because I am not a professional by any means, and I may get things wrong more often than not. Also, just be kind to everyone, because everyone could use a little help and encouragement in this hard life.

The topic I was planning on writing about today is imitation. Not purposeful imitation like a little kid copying your every word or movement. No, this type of imitation is more gradual over time, and usually takes place without the imitator even knowing they are doing it. What I am talking about is when two people spend a lot of time together and, over time, one person starts to take on the characteristics of the other person. For example, if one person has a certain kind of walk, and the other person starts to walk the same way. Or, if one person uses a certain saying or word phrase often, and another person close to them starts to use the same wording.

I don't know if other people notice this much, but I see it all the time in people I am around frequently. They say imitation is the best form of flattery, but I have to say that in my eyes it is a bit annoying. Even when people don't know they are doing it, or ESPECIALLY when people don't know they are doing it. It just seems like people don't take the time to find out why they are using a specific term or phrase. They just jump on the bandwagon because people around them are saying something that way. I am more interested in people who are more original and who can think for themselves.

In the grand scheme of things, imitation is only a tiny annoyance, and I should really try to not be bothered by it. Heck, I've probably even done it a few times. However, if you catch yourself imitating someone, at least take a moment to stop and think about why you are doing it.

Uncertain Future

Just as I was beginning to accept the reality of a life without my beloved Beary, I received another shock - Donald Trump was elected president. Obviously, I am not a fan of him, and while I am not a fan of politics in general, I try to stay up-to-date on current events and important issues. All I can say about Trump is that I have never heard a positive thing about him. NEVER. That comes from a person who doesn't use the word "never" very often.

I can hardly fathom how any reasonable person would vote for such a disgusting human being who seems to have little knowledge of what it takes to run a country, and even less regard for the rights of the people in that country. I have read a few articles about the reasons why people voted for Trump, and from what I can gather, it's because they didn't like the way things where going and they wanted a drastic change, or they thought he was the lesser of two evils. If they wanted change, they will likely get it, but not in the way they want. I feel like many of those votes were cast carelessly with little thought of the future of our country or the competency of the leader. As for those who feel Trump was the lesser of two evils, I can't see how a racist, sexist, liar, who has already lost BILLIONS of dollars, could be the lesser of two evils. Maybe people see some terrible hidden evil in Hillary that I am just blind to. But in Hillary I see a reasonable person who makes mistakes and missteps. In Trump I see an unreasonable person who lacks the basic skills and even compassion to be an effective leader.

Will Trump do harm to our country? Only time will tell. My hope is that our system of checks and balances will stop him from doing anything too outrageous. (However, I never thought he would get this far in the first place. I thought people would easily see what a self-centered, hopelessly greedy, and horrible person he is.) But the bigger problem here is not that Trump will be president. It's that he is what the people wanted and voted for. In my eyes, there is something seriously wrong in this country if millions of people can identify with a man like Trump. It makes me scared, to be honest. Not of Trump, but of all the people and what they think is best for our future, and the future of the entire planet. Apparently, I was mistaken if I thought the American people would recognize a fraud and make a sensible decision. What else are they willing to do? It is truly frightening to think that I could be surrounded by those who listless about the future, or angry enough to do harm to others.

I am not normally a naysayer, or doomsday worrier, or pessimist. But this current election has made me very worried about what the future holds for a country that seems to have forgotten about kindness, civility, and love for all human beings. I hope with all my heart that good will prevail. Otherwise, I am already lost.

Not Enough Words

Since I last posted, two significant things have happened in my life. The first thing that happened is that Mike and I went on an amazing trip to Ireland for a week. If the second thing hadn't happened, this post would have been all about that trip. However, the second thing is more significant than almost anything that has ever happened in my life. Shortly after we returned home from our trip, our sweet and beautiful dog, Bear, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly from a seizure.

Right now, it is still so hard to believe what has happened and how it will change our lives forever. There is just that sense that something is missing. Something is not quite right. There is a feeling of a pain that can not be eased. Friends and family have been incredibly kind and supportive to Mike and I. But only the two of us really know the full force of what the loss of Bear feels like. You see, Bear was more than a dog to us. It almost feels wrong to call her a dog. She was like a magical force full of kindness and love and goodness and happiness and humor. We connected with her on a level deeper than words or even actions. I could look into her eyes and just know that she understood me and supported me. I have never felt that connection with another animal, and a doubt I ever will again.

Since words are so lacking in describing the spirit of Bear, I would just like to list some of her characteristics and memories I have of her. At least that way I won't forget, and she can be memorialized in writing.

-Bear was unique in that she loved to watch t.v. When we turned on the t.v. to a show she recognized, she would come running and plop down right in front of the t.v., only a few inches away. She liked shows about dogs or cats, and would jump at the screen if she saw something running across it. She also liked shows that made Mike and I laugh, and she seemed appropriately nervous through scary movies. When we go up in the morning, she would sometimes sit in front of the t.v. and stare at the blank screen until someone turned it on. When we sat down to watch a movie, she was always right there, ready to watch the excitement with us.

-Bear was nervous of loud noises and wind. She would hide and shake, or pace around if it was during the night. We got in the habit of leaving the t.v. on soothing music or the animal channel if we were away when things were scary.

-When we left the house without Bear, she would immediately look through the windows to watch us leave. She didn't like being away from us and would never stray too far from us. Once we forget she was outside in the front yard, and after about half an hour, we opened the door and she was standing right there, wagging her tail.

-We let Bear off the leash most of the time when we took walks to the park, and almost every time she would take off running as soon as we let her off, not to get away from us, but because she seemed to feel the pure joy of just running freely. She almost always came back right away if we whistled or called her. Sometime we would play hide-and-seek with her. One of us would hide and then the other person would say "Where is so-and-so?" Bear would look panicked and begin searching tirelessly until she found the other person. When she found you, she would usually get very excited and jump around and lick you.

-Bear could jump very high. Whenever you asked if she wanted to "go outside" or "check the mail" or "go for a ride", she would begin bounding straight up into the air and then running around the house until you took her with you. She could also jump up on our bed, which is at least four feet off the ground.

-Some of Bear's favorite spots to curl up and sleep where on her bed, on our bed, on our Luv Sac, or, more recently, on our white couch. We used to try to keep her off of things because she would shed so much, but after a while, it became a routine to put a sheet over our bed every day so that she could lay up there. For some reason, she always got worried and nervous when we closed the door to our room.

-We have a laser pointer, and Bear loved chasing the red dot from it. If you even looked like you might touch the pointer, she would start going crazy and jumping all over the place before you even did anything. Then she would chase the dot back and forth across the whole living room, even after she was out of breath. Sometimes she would bite at the pointer in your hand just to let you know that she knew where the red dot was coming from.

-The snow in winter what always fun for Bear. She would do what can only be described as a "crazy run" through the snow, with her legs splayed out and stopping here and there to put her butt in the air and wag her tail. She would also dig in the snow if we told her "Dig! Dig! Dig!". She liked to play fetch with snowballs, and then eat them when she caught them.

-Bear was amazing at fetch and could jump and catch balls and toys in mid-air. She could block almost any ball from getting passed her. She especially liked soft, floppy toys that she would whip back and forth violently so she could practice her hunting skills.

-Bear loved almost all treats, but she could be prissy at times. If a stranger gave her a treat, she was sometimes unsure and wouldn't eat it. But most of the time she loved treats or wet dog food. If she heard you opening a treat package, she would immediately be sitting right by you, patiently waiting for a teat. She especially liked peanut butter-flavored treats, and the special peanut butter doggy ice cream.

-Sometimes Bear would play chase with us in the front yard. We would start chasing her and she would do her "crazy run" which would make us laugh. The harder we laughed, the more it seemed to egg her on to run and play and make us happy.

-Bear did't bark a lot. She mainly only barked when she saw or heard something out the front window, when she heard the UPS truck, or when one of us arrived home. I always had a hard time taking an afternoon nap, because as soon as Mike got home from work, she would wake me up with her excited barking.

-Bear loved people more than just about anything. When we went for walks, she would run up to almost everyone we saw with her tail wagging. I can't count the times when strangers would comment on what a great or beautiful dog she was. She was also very understanding with children. While she would sometimes be nervous or run away from the constant grabbing and touching of young children, she never growled or bit.

-Rolling in and eating grass were some of Bear's favorite things. We used to joke that she was part cow because she would literally graze on grass. Almost every time we went for a walk, if she found some nice lush grass, she would run and stop suddenly and drop and roll in it luxuriously for several seconds.

-Bear knew her name very well, and would come when called. But we also had lots of nicknames that she would come to also. Some of the things we would call her were - Beary, Dork, Pup, and Baby Bear. She loved being talked to and loved and rubbed. She would lean up against you when you rubbed her, and sometimes even flop right over onto her back. When I was on the couch and would put my feet up on the coffee table, she would sometimes lay right under my legs, even if that meant laying on top of my shoes.

Bear was the smartest, sweetest, most loving, most amazing animal I have ever encountered. We always told her we loved her when we left the house....and we meant it every time. Her soft licks and knowing looks will be deeply missed. If another pet makes its way into our lives someday, it will be hard-pressed to live up to the standard set by Bear. I know I should take my own advice in my last post and look for the good in this profound life change. But for now I can only morn for the loss of a piece of my soul.

Changes

There are many people in the world who claim to not like change. They don't like the feeling that they have lost something they can never have again - a childhood, a job, a home, a grandparent, a pet, a friend. I can't blame them, because until not too long ago I was one of them. I pined for the past. Mourned the endings. Always had a hard time moving forward. But then one day it dawned on me that everyone is always living in a state of constant change.

Think about it. There are so many things changing. The weather changes. You change your clothes every day. (hopefully) Your moods change. Your meals change. Your attitudes and opinions change. The more I thought about it, the harder it was to think of things that DIDN'T change.

Now maybe when people say they don't like change they mean negative changes, or sudden, surprising changes. But even those criteria can be dismissed when you realize that it all depends on your attitude. A negative change can be positive if you change your outlook on it. A sudden change, also, may be the only way to bring about something new. Change is a constant, not something that can be controlled or stopped. The thing that matters is how we deal with it.

Think about where you were five years ago. Were you the same? Of course not. Maybe you haven't had a lot of change in those five years, but if anything you are a little older, and thousands of tiny changes have happened that you probably didn't even notice. It's only when you start noticing that you start labeling changes "good" or "bad". However, what if we could change our outlook and see that everything is changing, and put a "good" label on everything?

It may not seem possible to put a positive spin on changes that seem so very negative. For example, a loved one passing away. But maybe you wouldn't have learned what you did if that didn't happen. Maybe they were suffering, and now they are not. Maybe you would have leaned on them too much. Maybe you started a charity or a tradition to honor that person. Maybe, just maybe, it helped you understand that your own time is limited, and you should make the most of it.

I, for one, know it is sometimes very hard to put a positive spin on change. But the change will happen whether you like it or not. So are you going to accept it and learn and grow, or are you going to be so upset about everything that you are miserable your entire life?

Family Ties

I have noticed that a lot of people like to show love for their families on social media sites. They say things like, "My family is the best!" or "Family is everything! Spend time with your family!" While I am never one to discourage love, these kind of posts do make me feel a little twinge of pain for those who have no family, or less-than-ideal families.

It's easy to say family is everything when you grow up with a close and loving family. But I think the reality is, most family relationships are much more difficult and complex than most people want to admit. Sure family can be a wonderful part of life. But what about the little girl who was abused by her father? What about the teenage boy who was disowned for being gay? What about the only child whose parents both died in a car accident? What about the siblings who felt abandoned because their dad was a drug addict and their mom had to work three jobs? What about the rich family who have emotional issues because all the parents did was buy things for their kids instead of talk to them? The scenarios are endless, and a difficult family is probably more the norm than the close-to-perfect family.

Of course if you have missing or unsupportive family in your life there are ways around it to still live a happy and fulfilling life. You can find friends or extended family who care about you. You can find a loving spouse or start your own loving family. But these relationships take a lot of time and effort to establish, and in the end they are usually still looked upon as a lesser form of bond. Many people seem to scoff at the idea that a purposeful bond could ever be as strong as a blood bond. However, I think it can be just as strong if not stronger.

The problem with saying, "Family is everything." is that you insult people who don't have family, but who have worked just as hard to establish meaningful relationships in their lives. They may have really good lives, too. But they suddenly feel like they can't have "everything" through no fault of their own. When you diminish non-traditional families, you punish others for simply being less fortunate. We should indeed show love all around. But don't flaunt something that is not granted to everyone. Simply respect all loving relationships, and be quietly thankful for your own.