Missed the Boat

Being back at my retail job gives me oodles of spare time to do whatever my little heart desires. That's the problem. It's not that I can't think of things to do. Ask me right now and I could give you a list a mile long of things I COULD do. I could clean, do the dishes, wash the car, work in the yard for days on end, draw, paint, craft, cook, read, scrapbook, watch t.v., listen to music, go to the store, call someone, make a goal, exercise, plan a trip, look at funny videos on Youtube, and on, and on....... But do I feel motivated to do any of those things? No. Do I have a burning desire to do anything? Not really.

Maybe some people are born with the drive to make something out of their life, or maybe they somehow develop it over time. Either way, I seem to have missed the boat. I am ambivalent about almost anything, and if I try to develop a love for something I usually end up disliking it instead.

Take college for example. A lot of people go into it not totally sure what they want to major in. The general advice is usually to take a few introductory classes, and once you find something you like, you will want to learn more about it, and so you will take the more advanced classes. Not so with me. Sure I liked plenty of the introductory classes. But once I got to the higher-level classes, I quickly got overwhelmed, and learned to hate what I really liked previously.

I don't know where I am going with this other than to say, finding a purpose to your life is not as easy as it seems. The one thing I thought I always wanted will probably never happen, so I am stuck with no Plan B. When people ask me why I don't go back to school, I don't know what to say. How can I explain that no amount of soul searching thus far has produced a drive or a passion for anything? Should I just pick a career out of a hat and go for it? Do I need some kind of mood-altering drugs to make me excited and ambitious? I really don't like that idea since it is my opinion that most drugs do more harm than good. Well, at least I have plenty of time to wait for the ambition boat to come back around. Let's hope that it does.