Emotional Mysteries

One of the reasons I like to write so much is because I think it helps me deal with, and sort through emotions. But even after all these years, I still feel like I have made little to no progress in understanding the complexities and mysteries of emotion. They still seem strange and even dangerous to me at times.

Someone who knows me casually my think I don't feel many emotions because I try not to show what I am feeling often. However, I don't know if that is the best way to deal with emotions. I feel them alright. I feel them so hard sometimes I can barely contain myself. But I am afraid to show. Afraid of what, though? Afraid of judgment? Afraid of loss of self-control? Afraid of misunderstanding? Afraid of what it all means? These are some big questions, and their lack of answers are part of what makes emotions so scary to me.

If you think about, emotions are always there with you and they control almost everything you do. They come and go as they please without warning. They can make the exact same situation either a good one or a bad one. Yet people talk about controlling emotions like it is no big deal. Babies and toddlers are the only people allowed to not control their emotions in public, and even then we scold them and tell them about self-control. Maybe physically it is easy to control how you act, but I would argue it is damn near impossible to mentally control how you feel.

For example, when something happens to make you upset and someone says, "Don't get upset", I literally have no clue how I am supposed to just make that happen. Sure! Let me just turn off my brain for a moment! I know there are strategies involved with this, like taking a deep breath, trying to think of something more pleasant, or trying to think about how the other person feels. But absolutely none of that takes away the emotion, or even diminishes it much. To me that is like cutting someone and then saying, "Try not to feel the pain." Well, there are ways to not feel the pain, but they all include either incredible mental and physical control, or drugs. I think it is ironic when people judge others for dealing with emotional pain with drugs, when they have no problem popping an aspirin when their leg hurts. To me there is no difference except for a stereotype.

I will probably never discover the secret to controlling emotion, or if there is even any meaning to emotion besides a biological process. All I know is that I think we need to give more leeway for them, and more understanding to those dealing with difficult ones. My own emotions are something I prize yet respect, because they can change the tone of my life at any given moment for better or for worse. Yet I wouldn't have it any other way.