Ducks In A Row

For most of my life I've had an illusion that one day I will have everything in my life set up just how I like it.  I will have just the right amount of food in the kitchen.  Everything will be clean.  All my bills will be paid.  I will have just the right amount of clothes with nothing that I don't enjoy wearing.  I will have just the right amount of spare time.  I won't have any aches and pains, and my body will be in a perfect state of health.  I will have everything organized ideally.  Etc, ect, ect.

Like I said, I know this is all an illusion.  Some people believe that heaven will be a state of perfection kind of like this.  I don't know if that's true, but I do know that my brain keeps telling me that somehow I can reach this goal on earth.  I always feel like I need to be one step ahead and eventually everything will line up just right.

I guess some people would simply call this being a perfectionist.  But I feel like it's something else.  I don't necessarily care to have everything perfect in my life.  It's more of a feeling that there's some unreachable position where you will feel perfectly at ease with no worries that there is something that still needs to be done.

I realize that this condition will never be met physically, and I must learn to feel at ease within myself, even when there are still things to get done.  That, as you may have figured out, is easier said than done.  It's more of a zen disposition than any outward achievement.  I hope to eventually learn this way of thinking, just for my own sanity.  Because it's never healthy to constantly feel like you need to do more.  And maybe if i don't get to experience it in this life, I will at least get to in the next.

My Feelings On Feelings

 I realize it's been quite a long time since I last posted.  I've found that as I get older, ideas for writing are much harder to hang on to.  They pop into my mind occasionally throughout the day, and unless I write them down immediately, they leave forever.  Maybe it's just me, but I think that my mind works just a little bit less efficiently the older I get.  I guess that is to be expected with aging.  Of course I do my best to keep myself healthy and active.  I've been doing yoga every day for over a year now!  That is really amazing to me because I'm not the kind of person that ever liked working out.  Generally I avoid it, and getting on the yoga mat is still hard some days, but I'm so proud I've stuck with it.

So I wanted to write about feelings today because I once read that some people (specifically introverts) feel things more strongly than other people.  I'm not sure how true this is with introverts, but I do believe that some people feel things more strongly than others, and I think that I might be one of those people.  

Throughout my life I've often noticed that I seem to be feeling more than those around me.  A song will move me strongly, or I will cry more than others at a funeral, or I will feel a very deep emotion that I don't observe other people expressing.  Of course this is all just based on my perception.  I realize that people can be feeling one way, and showing something else entirely to others.  I know I do this.  I also know that people can get emotional about different things, so it doesn't mean they are less emotional, just emotional about something else.

I guess, in the end, I doesn't really matter how emotional we get.  We just want to feel heard and understood.  Although, it is probably a little harder to feel understood  if you don't think others feel the same as you.

I once watched a true crime show where a young man murdered a girl who was his friend.  Later he admitted to a friend that he thought he would feel something when he took a life, but he didn't feel anything.  First of all, this showed me that there are those who are not capable of feeling as deeply as others.  Second, it made me very sad that there are those who are not able to feel how sacred human life is.  Lastly, it made me wonder if human life even is sacred if there are those who can't feel it.  

I'm not saying that murder should be OK, or even that human life isn't sacred.  It just made me wonder how some people can believe human life is so special while others could seem to care less.  How can human life be sacred if it is not a universal truth with all people?

I know I will probably never have the answers to these questions.  It's just a little food for thought.  I have a feeling that our lives are sacred, for whatever that's worth.