Since I grew up as a shy and awkward sort of child in a place with a lot of religious people who are taught to be nice to everyone, I often had people who where not my friends who would once in a while be very kind to me. They would go out of their way to make an effort to make me feel included or liked. This is commendable, because I believe we all need to make more of an effort to make others feel worth-while and appreciated. On the same note, I feel like probably 90 percent of the time these efforts are not genuine or altruistic.
This is a problem because it means the people who are trying to be kind are not really doing it unselfishly to make you feel better. They are doing it to make themselves feel better. They want to feel like they are doing the right thing, but they don't want to put the effort in that it takes to truly be a friend. They seem to be doing it out of some moral or religious obligation or expectation rather than a real feeling of compassion, love, or friendship.
For example, I had a seminary teacher who hardly ever seemed to notice me, yet for about a week he would go out of his way to try to make conversation with me. After that week - nothing. Or the time when a peer club in high school put some candy in my locker with some type of note saying how I was a special person. I immediately threw the candy in the trash, and hoped one of them saw it. This was probably a little over-dramatic on my part, but give me a break, I was in high school. It probably also wasn't fair to the peer club kids who were also in high school and who were just trying to do something nice. The point is, what I needed at that time was a real friend. Someone who I could talk to about my fears and problems without judgement. I didn't need a cheap treat and a shallow card. I needed true effort and time.
There was also the time when my mom died when I was a teenager, and I had multiple grown women come to me and tell me that they would be there for me if I needed anything. Do you think I ever had another single meaningful conversation with any of those women? You guessed it. Now maybe I am just bitter, angry, or over-sensitive. Obviously these people's hearts were in the right place, and maybe I was too moody or unapproachable and they felt like they couldn't get through to me. But, too this day, I still can't stand fake and shallow attempts at kindness. I have seen people talk kindly to someone's face and then talk crap behind their back. I can only assume they do it to me also. If you are going to be a friend, do it right, and not just so you can feel better about all the wrongs you have done that person.
This post maybe all about being hypocritical, because I probably don't try to be a true friend as much as I could. However, I am very aware of whether or not I am being genuine, and I try to never do anything that is not genuine. I know how much it hurts to think you have made a friend, only to be abandoned when it is no longer convenient. I don't wish to make anyone else feel like that. If you are trying to be a better person, start with being nice, but realize that, at some point, you will have to step it up and be a true friend if you don't want to come off as shallow or insincere.
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