Growing up, almost everyone who knew me would probably describe me as a "good girl", meaning I didn't break the rules, I usually did what I was told, I got good grades in school, and I was nice to other people. For the most part I liked being the good girl. I didn't often feel an urge to be mean or to do something wrong. I liked doing school work, and it never even really occurred to me that I could defy an adult. At least not an adult other than my parents. I was happy with this lifestyle and persona.
Once I hit my early 20s, however, I tired of trying to always do everything right. I had seen more of the hate and injustice in the world, and I guess that made me just a bit jaded. I wanted to try new things and challenge the things that I thought I already knew. I started drinking and partying, and I decided that I didn't always want to dress modestly. This may all seem kind of extreme, but my version of being "bad" wasn't really all that bad. I still followed the rules for the most part, and I didn't party every night or even every week. I hardly ever drank to excess. Still, I enjoyed my new found freedom, and anyone who knew me as a child would have surely seen a difference.
Fast forward to today. Most of my partying is over, and I only drink one or two drinks on special occasion. But I somehow get a nagging feeling that I am stuck between two worlds. Mostly I want to be good, but I also don't want to be stuck in a box of what is socially acceptable or what people expect me to be. I want to be able to listen to loud, crazy music sometimes, or swear, or dye my hair purple, or get a tattoo without people thinking that I have gone totally insane. I also don't want people to think I am innocently naive or that I never have bad feelings. There are many intricate parts to my personality, and many of them don't fit into the category of "good girl" traits. Really, I just want to be able to be myself without judgement.
Of course it is impossible to escape judgement in a world such as ours. Judgement can be harsh, but I think it is mostly just a tool that helps people know what to do and who to trust. Knowing that, I guess I should stop worrying so much about what other people think, and be the person I want to be. I will be judged either way, and those who are really my friends won't abandon me just because I do something a little different.
