The Spector of Suffering

Here we are, many months into this pandemic, with no end in sight.  When it first began, I think many people, including myself, thought it would be a short-lived problem.  But now as we get into it further and further, there is no end in sight and thousands of people have died and continue to die.

You would think that people would come together during this terrible time to fight against this disease.  Not so.  More than ever, there is arguing, fighting, corruption, protests, riots, and dispair.

One of the things people are arguing about, is whether or not wearing a mask slows the spread of COVID-19.  Most experts agree that it is beneficial to wear a mask, so in some areas there are mask mandates, which means you have to wear a mask whenever you are in public.  Many people are extremely angry about this because they think masks don't help and they think the government is trying to control them.

I could be very wrong, but it is my own speculation that people who don't want to wear a mask have never experienced an exceptionally painful, life-threatening illness.  Because let me tell you, I have experienced such a thing, and I would do just about anything to prevent having to go through that again; the least of which is wearing a mask while in public. 

I have had illness where I literally couldn't move without getting very dizzy and vomiting.  I layed on the couch for two days and barely slept because of excessive stomach pain.  I have been to the emergency room and to several doctors who did little but tell me it might be an inner ear problem.  My point is, once you have been that sick, you appreciate a healthy, pain-free life so much more, and you fear feeling that terrible so much that you will do a great many things that might even remotely prevent it from happening again.

From what I hear about COVID-19, it can be quite painful, and also have a negative impact on your health for the rest of your life.  So you bet I am going to do simple things like wear a mask and wash my hands and not have close contact with a lot of people.  I know what it is like to suffer to the point that life is almost unbearable, and I am eager to do what I can to prevent myself from feeling that way again.

Those who are not eager, probably have never suffered to that extreme, or don't believe there is actually a pandemic.  In any case I would say, it doesn't matter to me if there is actually a pandemic.  Just the threat that there might be is enough to make me change my behavior slightly, if only to have a chance to spare myself and others from suffering.  

Once you have been through hell, you never want to go back.   You many have survived, but until you do die, you will live with the spector of suffering.

It's in the Details

Last time I wrote a post I had high hopes of writing more often, but of course life happened and that didn't pan out at all. I suppose that's just the way life is. You do what you can, when you can and you learn to be OK with that. Anyway, I have had this idea in my mind for a post for a long time, and now I have an excuse to finally write it because my husband got my this fabulous new tablet with keyboard for our anniversary. (Isn't he the greatest?) However, before I begin my main topic, I have to apologize for any misspellings that occur. It seems that Blogger has removed the spell check feature, and while I consider myself a decent speller, I am not fool-proof. I really hope that feature is returned to Blogger, since I know of very few people who don't use spell check while writing on a computer. I'm a little annoyed to be honest. But enough of that. 

 I am a very detail-oriented person, so it would be of no surprise to anyone that I notice when other people miss details......a lot. In fact, it's to the point that I see so many details overlooked, that I wonder if I am just extraordinarily gifted at seeing details or other people are just careless and lazy. I am leaning toward the latter. 

 I wouldn't care so much, except I think others are missing out on many wonderful things, or they are making my job harder. For instance, when exact time is of importance, I make note of the time and make sure I don't go over my allowed time. But others don't seem to notice it much at all, or only pay attention if it is something that benefits them, and so I have to remind them of the time over and over if I am the one in charge. Also, people miss amazing and beautiful things by tromping around and being loud and unobservant - a small sound, a quiet voice, a little treasure, a special moment. 

 Maybe that is just the culture now. People are brought up to make sure that they stand out, even if that means squashing everyone else. If they would just pay a little more attention, however, they might learn the value of someone or something other than themselves.

The Equalizers

All men are created equal. That's what it says in the Declaration of Independence, and that's what we believe. Right? Hold on just a second. We want people to be equal. We try our best to make them equal. But by no means are they created equal.

From the moment we are conceived, our inequalities begin to form also. Maybe the mother doesn't take care of herself while she is pregnant, or maybe she does. Maybe a physical or mental disability begins to form. Perhaps the mother gets into some sort of accident that affects the baby. So many things could go right or wrong, and that is only the very beginning.

After we are born, our inequalities only grow. Some kids are born into rich families, while others are very poor. Some kids have very supportive parents, and some have terrible, abusive parents. Being born into a certain race can also have an inpact on how fairly you are treated. So what are we to do about all this inequality? Well I believe the first step is to recongnize it exists, and also that is can never be comepletely eliminated. However, there are things we can do as groups and individuals. We can help the poor and less-fortunate. We can teach the ignorant. We can stand up for those who are treated unfairly. We can give time and money and love.....love most of all. Sadly, the world will never be as fair and equal as would be ideal. There is always hate, corruption, and abuse. We just need to do our best to make sure we are not a part of that, and to change the problems that we do see.

Alone Together

In case you have been living under a rock for the last month, I will let you know that many people are practicing "social distancing" to combat a new and deadly virus called COVID-19. This particular disease has caused a global pandemic and has also ravaged the stock market since many businesses have had to close temporarily. People are asked to stay home and to not gather in groups of more than 10 people to stop the spread of this virus.

Generally, I don't mind staying home at all. I think I like being alone more than most people, and growing up as a loner, I had to find ways to entertain myself. I had become pretty good at it, too. I like to cook, read, scrapbook, draw, sew, write, garden, or craft. Then along came Liam to throw a wrench into all of that. I can't concentrate on much when he is climbing on the table, strewing papers everywhere, or yelling at the top of his lungs incessantly. Also add to that his new found independence and periodic tantrums, and its a wonder I even find the energy to get out of bed in the morning. I can barely find the time to get things done that I don't even want to do (like laundry) let alone the things that I want to do.

I love Liam so much, but it's true what they say that when you become a parent you loose a lot of your alone time and freedom to do whatever you want. You are now beholden to the needs and wants of this tiny person, who doesn't even KNOW what he needs or wants half the time. You care for him out of love, but that doesn't mean you don't sometimes morn your lost alone time. Even as a write this, Liam is napping, or at least being quiet, and I will take it because if he where here he would be pounding on the keyboard or asking over and over for a "cracker", which in his book means any kind of sweet treat. Even though it is more difficult to get alone times these days, I still believe it is important to make time for yourself. Mike is good about taking Liam when I'm at my breaking point, and letting have a breather. I also still get to do some of the things that I want to, just with way more interruptions.

Although it's difficult to give up what I had in terms of "me" time, I really wouldn't trade Liam for anything. As much as he can be difficult to handle, he brings so much joy and love and happiness to my life. Many people are now using the phrase "alone together" to describe this time of self quarantine. So if I have to be alone together with someone, I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else but Mike and Liam.

Good Girl Gone Bad

Growing up, almost everyone who knew me would probably describe me as a "good girl", meaning I didn't break the rules, I usually did what I was told, I got good grades in school, and I was nice to other people. For the most part I liked being the good girl. I didn't often feel an urge to be mean or to do something wrong. I liked doing school work, and it never even really occurred to me that I could defy an adult. At least not an adult other than my parents. I was happy with this lifestyle and persona.

Once I hit my early 20s, however, I tired of trying to always do everything right. I had seen more of the hate and injustice in the world, and I guess that made me just a bit jaded. I wanted to try new things and challenge the things that I thought I already knew. I started drinking and partying, and I decided that I didn't always want to dress modestly. This may all seem kind of extreme, but my version of being "bad" wasn't really all that bad. I still followed the rules for the most part, and I didn't party every night or even every week. I hardly ever drank to excess. Still, I enjoyed my new found freedom, and anyone who knew me as a child would have surely seen a difference.

Fast forward to today. Most of my partying is over, and I only drink one or two drinks on special occasion. But I somehow get a nagging feeling that I am stuck between two worlds. Mostly I want to be good, but I also don't want to be stuck in a box of what is socially acceptable or what people expect me to be. I want to be able to listen to loud, crazy music sometimes, or swear, or dye my hair purple, or get a tattoo without people thinking that I have gone totally insane. I also don't want people to think I am innocently naive or that I never have bad feelings. There are many intricate parts to my personality, and many of them don't fit into the category of "good girl" traits. Really, I just want to be able to be myself without judgement.

Of course it is impossible to escape judgement in a world such as ours. Judgement can be harsh, but I think it is mostly just a tool that helps people know what to do and who to trust. Knowing that, I guess I should stop worrying so much about what other people think, and be the person I want to be. I will be judged either way, and those who are really my friends won't abandon me just because I do something a little different.

Love/Hate

Have you ever had a love/hate relationship? Up until a few years ago I would have said the very idea of such a thing is silly. Either you like someone, or you don't. You get along with someone, or you don't. But now I think I have that exact type of relationship with someone, and I have to say I liked it better when I thought it didn't exist, because it is very confusing. One moment you are getting along perfectly well, and the next they make you feel like you are the scum of the earth.

I would have never thought it possible if it hadn't happened to me. I mean, who can be kind to a person one minute, and a complete jerk the next? I think it is usually someone with some kind of emotional or mental problems. That doesn't make you feel any better, though, when that person is mean to you.

Many times I have sworn off ever talking to this person again, only to be sucked back in the second they show some kindness. I guess I am just a sucker, or I just want to believe in the good in people. I always think that the hurtful comment will be the last one.

I'm not sure what to do with such a relationship other than follow through on my resolve to never speak to them again. Hoping for the best might work as well. Yeah, I might get beat up a little, but maybe in the long run my sacrifice will help that person become the good person that was inside them all along.

Manageable Changes

Posts are getting few and far between these days because chasing around a one-year-old is just as much work as everyone says it is. Also, we finally took the leap and moved into a new house! So far we are loving every bit of it. We love the three bathrooms, the central air, the open concept, and the separate living and bedroom spaces. Truly, I never thought I would be brave enough to move again since the last time we moved it was overwhelmingly stressful. But with lots of help and support from my lovely husband (and a little more support from anxiety medication), we were able to make the move with significantly less stress than last time.

Our new home is a town home, so I don't have to worry about taking care of the yard, which was a major hassle in our last place. It was built in 2000, which is much, much newer than our previous home which was built in 1902. Don't get me wrong, I love the character of historical homes, but I have decided over the years that I am no longer up for the quirks and problems that come with a house like that. Less character, for me, means less cleaning, headaches, and fixing. A fair trade in my book. Overall, it has been a pretty seamless transition.

Being a mother to a toddler, on the other hand, has had a few bumps in the road. Most of the time I am loving how cute he is and how he is learning and growing every day. But then there are those times when he wants to play with everything except his toys, and as soon as you clean up one thing he has already destroyed five more things. Those times make me want to crawl into the closet and scream for a little while. However, all in all, I love being a mother.

I'm hoping that going forward, I will be able to devote more time to blogging. Still, don't hold your breath. I have this little guy to attend to, and who couldn't love a face like this?