Being Myself

Look at me flexing my writing muscles and writing more than once in a month! At least I am trying, hey?

When I was younger, I felt like it was was very hard to be myself. Not that I truly knew who I was because most young people are still discovering who they are and trying a lot of different things to get there. But I felt a lot of restrictions growing up - restrictions from my family, restrictions from religion, restrictions from myself. I was afraid to try something different because I was afraid to venture out into unknown territory, beyond what I knew I was comfortable with. Then, in my early twenties, certain events in my life almost forced me to leave that comfort zone. It was scary at first, as any change is. However, with time, I enjoyed my new freedom more and more as I started to make wonderful discoveries about myself and about life.

I feel very lucky that that I went through this transition, even though it was a struggle at times. I am grateful because I think many people never get to experience that freedom. They go their whole lives feeling stifled by social pressures that tell them they must be a certain way, and sometimes they don't even realize it. Sometimes the pain of breaking free is more than a person can take, and it is definitely harder for someone who grows up with more of that pressure on them. The security of conformity disguises itself as happiness. I don't blame these people. I only feel sorry for them and wish for them to find a way to find their true selves and true happiness.

All of this is not to say that I am a perfect person who has found the perfect road to happiness. I still conform in a lot of ways and feel pressure to "fit in". I don't always know what it right or what I should be. But I also feel a lot of joy and freedom that I never knew in my younger years. I feel freer to try new things, to think a different way, to speak my mind, and to do what I want to do. I would not trade any of that for the world.

Second Chances

So I guess having more time to blog didn't turn into more blogging. I have a hard time coming up with acceptable topics to write about. When I have time to write and a topic doesn't come to mind easily, I tend to move on to other things. Hopefully I can find a way to brainstorm better topics, or this blog will get really sparse really fast.

Over my lifetime, I have become well aware that I don't always give off a great impression. Frequently, when I wish to speak my mind, the words come out much differently than I imagined in my mind, and I come off sounding stupid or uneducated. For this reason, I have learned to keep my mouth shut in the vast majority of social situations. As the saying goes, "Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt."

I am also human, and therefore prone to error. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, including everything from saying something rude or hurtful, to making poor decisions, to being ignorant. Once again, I have learned to keep most of my actions private, since the judgement of others can often be more harsh than I can handle.

All of this is to say that when you are judging others, perhaps it is a good policy to look past fist impressions and mistakes. People are never perfect, so you may miss out on a great friend by judging too harshly. I have known plenty of people who are awkward or who have done and said things I don't agree with. I try not to think less of these people, but rather to inspect their motives and reasoning. Very seldom do I conclude that their actions come from a mean or evil place. They are just imperfect people, just like me, trying to make their way through life as best they can.

Even when I don't like a person right away, I usually give them many chances to show their true character. Sometimes, the process of understanding and getting-to-know someone can even last a lifetime. It could be said then, that the only real mistake and ignorance is to close yourself off to someone once you believe them to be a bad person. Keep yourself open, and there is no limits to the ways you can learn and grow from others.

Use Your Time Wisely

I'm back! Well, technically I was never gone, but it has sure been a long time since I blogged. Now the season has ended at my tax job, so hopefully I will have more time to write. I read a quote online the other day that said, "Do more than exist." I would love to do that, although I am not quite sure what other thing I am supposed to be doing other than existing. So while I am trying to figure that out, I will blog. (Hey, maybe I will luck out and blogging will be the thing I am supposed to be doing!)

Now that I have more time on my hands, I get to thinking about what is really the best use of that time. Back in the day, if you had down-time, you were either extremely rich or about ready to die. Because throughout most of human existence, it took most of your energy and effort just to stay alive. You had to either gather food or grow crops, tend to children and animals, build shelters and houses, prepare food, make clothes, wash clothes and dishes, and hundreds of other activities. There was no time for relaxing or being creative, or thinking about much of anything other than how to survive.

Today, I think many people take the luxury of free time for granted. We have a great many machines and businesses that do almost everything for us, yet what do we do with all this time on our hands to better the world? Do we invent amazing things? Do we create art? Do we learn and grow? Do we teach? Do we give of our time to the needy? Some people do, yes. But the overwhelming majority are doing things like updating Facebook, getting drunk, making YouTube videos, pulling pranks, watching T.V. and movies, or overall causing trouble. It's like they are just finding ways to waste time and fill the void until they die.

It's sad to me that so many people are counter-productive with extra time. It doesn't give me much faith in human-kind. Yet I can't say much since it's not like I do amazing things with my free time. But at least I am thinking about it and realizing that things need to get better. I think most people are just oblivious. So, maybe the point is that awareness about good use of time needs to spread, and that is something we all can do. We can all make life more meaningful and happy by doing good things with our time, rather than idly watching the clock run down.

Intuition

Merry Christmas everyone! Since I don't have any kids, I figure what better way to spend Christmas than relaxing with my husband and blogging. We have already made the rounds to my dad's house and my grandma's house. Now we at home and slowly drifting into sugar comas before it is back to my dad's house for Christmas dinner.

Lately I have noticed that when I hear advice about how to live a better life and be happier, it usually includes something about how you should follow your intuition. The thing is, for me, I seem to lack that gut feeling. I don't know if I was born with it and I lost it somewhere along the way, or if I never had it at all. But if I ever stop to try and figure out what my gut feeling is, I just get more and more confused.

It probably comes from my tendency to over-think just about everything. I will think one thing is right, but then an argument will come into my head for the opposing view. Then, before you know it, I have no clue what's right or wrong, let alone what I should do. I'm not sure it there's a way to develop intuition. It would be great to feel like I have a compass that I can always depend on. Some sort of guide. But what can I do, other than try my best to make the right decisions? I never intentionally try to do the wrong thing, so maybe that is as much intuition as I need.

Virtual Reality

It seems like every time I think about blogging, something comes up to distract me from it and it never gets done. I really do like writing, but you couldn't tell from how often I do it. I actually do actively think about things to write about just about every day. One thing that has been on my mind lately is drug addicts. I'm not thinking about them in a negative way. I'm thinking about what happened in their lives to make them that way, and how great it must feel to leave all the pain behind if only for a few minutes or even seconds.

Many people look down on drug addicts because they think they a weak, or mean, or selfish, or overall bad people. But when I see a drug addict, I see a person who has felt so much pain in their life that the only way they can deal with it is to get high. Someone who is tortured by their very own thoughts and feelings. I see someone I can commiserate with.

Of course no one sets out to be a drug addict. They start out just wanting to have a little fun or forget their fears for a little while. But as life becomes harder to deal with, you want that escape more and more until you become physically dependent. I would be lying if I said I never wished for that pill that would take away all my worries and pain. To live in a drug-induced bliss might not be so bad.

The problem with that, of course, is that it never lasts. The drugs wear off, reality hits, and you are even worse off than you were before. But what if there were a blissful reality that never wore off? In the movie, The Matrix, people live in a virtual perfect world while their physical bodies are in a coma-like state. Some people don't like this because they want to experience "reality", no matter how harsh it may be. But what does it matter what is "real" or not if reality is only misery and torture? I don't know about you, but I would take a pleasurable virtual reality that feels "real" any day over a harsh "real" reality.

All of this virtual reality stuff may be getting confusing, but all I really want to say is that I have sympathy for drug addicts, and I don't blame them one one bit for wanting to escape a reality that can be all to miserable. Whether or not they can deal with reality enough to get clean is up to them. And if they never can quite get clean......I still don't blame them.

Trying Hard

Do you like my new background? I figured it was about time to challenge my computer skills once again and figure out a new look. All the text is not exactly the colors I wanted, but I have found there is only so much fine-tuning I can do with my blog before I feel like I might just have to punch the computer to get my point across. So I let the computer win the font color battle. Such is life.

I while ago I heard a song on the radio and one of the lyrics really stuck out to me. It said, "I'm trying so hard not to try so hard." Immediately this resonated with how I feel about my life a lot of the time. I try and try so hard to get things right and figure things out and live the right way, but ultimately I end up right back where I started. It's a paradox that only gets more confusing the more you think about it.

I'm not saying this because I am depressed or upset about life at the moment. Things haven't been bed. I'm only wondering if it's possible to get clarity or make much progress at all. Are humans striving for personal progress, or progress as a whole? And what constitutes progress anyway? Electronics? Medicine? Health? Art? Religion? What is the ultimate goal? What should we be "trying hard" at?

I don't suppose life will get any less confusing. I guess the best advice is to take one day at a time. Be kind to others. Do your best. Try to leave the world better off than when you entered it. And, most of all, enjoy yourself when you can, because, from what I can tell, it is all over way too fast.

Expectations

I knew it had been a while since I wrote, but I didn't realize it had been over a month. Geez! I need to crack down on myself. In my defense, life has been mostly uneventful, and blog topics don't just grow on trees. But now Mike's work schedule is changing so we won't have any days off together, and I will find myself with a lot more alone time. Time I can spend pondering what to write.....

So! You know that saying, "Where much is given, much is expected"? I hate that saying. You know why? Because people don't ask to be given much. That's the definition of a 'gift'. It it weren't a gift, you would be taking or borrowing. It would then make much more sense if the saying was, "Where much is taken, much is expected." If you have something taken from you, you could reasonably expect to get something back in a form of payment. But if you are giving things away, you really shouldn't be expecting anything.

In general, I have found expectations to be harmful and useless things. Nine times out of ten, when I expect something, it doesn't happen, or it doesn't happen how I thought it would. This usually leads to disappointment, which is never fun. Why can't people be happy with what already exists, and if something good happens, be all the happier? Why do they have to get their hopes up, only to have them squashed?

I know it is important to have hopes and dreams. Our desire to learn and progress is part of what makes us human. But I draw the line at expectations. I guess you could say hope is a more generalized form of expecting. You hope for the best, but you don't expect it. You hope your kid is smart after you paid for the best private schools, but you don't expect it. You hope you don't get cancer, but you don't expect it when so many people do get it. You hope your small business will be a success, but you don't expect it when the failure rate is so high.

I guess what I am trying to say, it that when you expect things to happen a certain way and they don't, your happiness takes a blow. But if you hope for things to happen the way you want, not as much harm is done if they don't happen. I would say hope is the way to go, instead of expecting. But who am I to say? Try it for yourself.