Having been through many years of infertility struggles, I know what it is like to want a child so bad and to not be able to make it happen. That being said, I now know what it is like to have been pregnant and to have a child, and I am here to say that it is not the end-all be-all. Is it amazing and miraculous? Sure. But there are many other things in life that are amazing and miraculous.
I used to think that I would never be fully happy unless I had a child, and I'm sure that's how many infertile people also feel. However, now that I have seen the situation from both sides, I'm very sure I could have been just as happy without a child as with a child. That doesn't mean that I wish I didn't have my son. He makes my life so happy and joyful and fulfilling in many ways. I just think it is a different kind of happy than if I hadn't had a child.
I know it is difficult if not impossible to convince someone that having a child will not make them happier than not having a child, because they feel like they will never be sure unless they experience it for themselves. I will just put my two cents in and say that it is my belief that you can be just as happy either way. So don't loose hope if you are struggling to conceive and to find your purpose in this world. Life is amazing and complicated and wonderful, and for the most part you never know where your path will take you. Just keep believing that there are different paths to fulfillment and happiness.
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Thursday, January 17, 2019
Former Grammar Nazi
Well we made it though Christmas with our little boy, and it was surprisingly not that bad. Every day there are new and different challenges being a parent, but I think there is a general upward trend in terms of comfort and ease. Not to say that it is comfortable or easy, but that it is becoming more so. So I thought this time I might channel my old self for a moment and write about something not associated with parenting.
I would say that I am a person who is concerned with proper grammar and spelling. Since I tend to be anxious once in a while, there are many things I am probably overly worried about. Sometimes that helps keep me focused and organized. Other times it stresses me out and I judge others who don't have the same standards as me.
I would like to change the way that I judge other people too harshly, and I recently learned something that is helping me do that. I learned that grammar and language do not adhere to hard and fast rules like we all tend to think they do. In fact they are almost constantly changing. Just think about all the new words that have been added to the dictionary. I remember a time when no one had any idea what "googled" meant. I was sometimes incredulous when new words where added. I would think, "They can't add that! It's slang!" or "That is a dumb word." But I soon came to realize that it doesn't matter what I think of the words. It matters if people as using them. It doesn't even matter if they are using them correctly. The meanings of words can change. Remember when "gay" was only another word for "happy"? I am almost certain that if someone says "gay" these days, it doesn't mean "happy".
Grammar changes also. I would always hear rules like, "Don't start a sentence with "and" or "because"" or "Don't end a sentence with a preposition." I took these rules very seriously for a long time, and, sadly, I only recently realized that they don't really matter. I read books by famous authors who constantly break these rules. In reality, you can write however you want. Grammar and spelling only sometimes help to get your point across.
Old habits die hard, and I will probably be at least somewhat concerned with language and grammar until the day that I die. But I am trying hard not to judge others by the way they use language. Just because something sounds like slang to me, doesn't make it any less valid. Maybe that person grew up in a place where that was the only way language was used. How can I judge them for using the same language that everyone around them uses? How can I look down on someone for not ever hearing how other people might say something? I will always try to look at different language as a learning experience, rather than being dismissive of it, because isn't being open-minded all about learning how other people think and do things?
I would say that I am a person who is concerned with proper grammar and spelling. Since I tend to be anxious once in a while, there are many things I am probably overly worried about. Sometimes that helps keep me focused and organized. Other times it stresses me out and I judge others who don't have the same standards as me.
I would like to change the way that I judge other people too harshly, and I recently learned something that is helping me do that. I learned that grammar and language do not adhere to hard and fast rules like we all tend to think they do. In fact they are almost constantly changing. Just think about all the new words that have been added to the dictionary. I remember a time when no one had any idea what "googled" meant. I was sometimes incredulous when new words where added. I would think, "They can't add that! It's slang!" or "That is a dumb word." But I soon came to realize that it doesn't matter what I think of the words. It matters if people as using them. It doesn't even matter if they are using them correctly. The meanings of words can change. Remember when "gay" was only another word for "happy"? I am almost certain that if someone says "gay" these days, it doesn't mean "happy".
Grammar changes also. I would always hear rules like, "Don't start a sentence with "and" or "because"" or "Don't end a sentence with a preposition." I took these rules very seriously for a long time, and, sadly, I only recently realized that they don't really matter. I read books by famous authors who constantly break these rules. In reality, you can write however you want. Grammar and spelling only sometimes help to get your point across.
Old habits die hard, and I will probably be at least somewhat concerned with language and grammar until the day that I die. But I am trying hard not to judge others by the way they use language. Just because something sounds like slang to me, doesn't make it any less valid. Maybe that person grew up in a place where that was the only way language was used. How can I judge them for using the same language that everyone around them uses? How can I look down on someone for not ever hearing how other people might say something? I will always try to look at different language as a learning experience, rather than being dismissive of it, because isn't being open-minded all about learning how other people think and do things?
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
The Hardest Job On Earth
As I have been taking care of my little baby boy these last couple of months, it has come to my attention how truly difficult it is to take care of a tiny person. It blows my mind how people have more than one child, and raise them right, and little to nothing is said about how grueling it is. I have heard people say how being a parent is the hardest job on earth, but no details are given after that. They don't say how you spend every day in a mind-numbing haze. They don't tell you that you take out the trash four times as often because it is full of diapers. They don't mention that the feeding, changing and breast pumping schedule takes intense planning, organization, and cleaning skills. There is no talk of the worry about every part of your child's physical and mental well-being. All that is left out because of what? Sleep deprivation? Forgetfulness? Not to terrify non-parents? I don't know. All I know is that they are right when they say it is the hardest job on the planet, for all those reasons and many, many more.
I amazes me that as many children as there are have made it through infancy. Someone had to change your diaper, feed you every few hours, sooth your crying, dress you, teach you, and so much more. That goes for bad people or even serial killers. Someone once loved them so much to do all that for them. It also amazes me what kind of people are parents. Crazy people, mean people, not so smart people, emotionally cold people. Yet they all somehow managed to keep a little human alive until they could take care of themselves. Maybe not without some damage along they way, but still.....the care taking takes so many hours and a huge level of commitment. I am just so shocked that so many people have that in them.
As for me, I love my son so much, and that makes it easier to care for him. Maybe that is what makes it tolerable for everyone else. But I still get worried that I won't know what to do when a new stage arrives. I guess most people just live in the moment. That's all you really can do.
I amazes me that as many children as there are have made it through infancy. Someone had to change your diaper, feed you every few hours, sooth your crying, dress you, teach you, and so much more. That goes for bad people or even serial killers. Someone once loved them so much to do all that for them. It also amazes me what kind of people are parents. Crazy people, mean people, not so smart people, emotionally cold people. Yet they all somehow managed to keep a little human alive until they could take care of themselves. Maybe not without some damage along they way, but still.....the care taking takes so many hours and a huge level of commitment. I am just so shocked that so many people have that in them.
As for me, I love my son so much, and that makes it easier to care for him. Maybe that is what makes it tolerable for everyone else. But I still get worried that I won't know what to do when a new stage arrives. I guess most people just live in the moment. That's all you really can do.
Thursday, August 30, 2018
For Liam
Well it finally happened! My sweet baby boy Liam Thomas Berube was born 5 weeks early on July 12, 2018 by c-section. Since then I haven't had much time to think, let alone write a blog post. Maybe it is because he was in the NICU for three weeks, or because I was in the hospital for over a week, but parenthood has been a hundred times more difficult than I expected. I really thought I had some sort of grasp of what it would be like, but I had no clue. Now other parents give me a knowing look and I just know that we both now understand the insane difficulty of taking care of a child.
The last couple months are a blur of doctor visits, trips to the NICU, pumping breast milk (which by the way is also way more difficult than anyone lets on), crying (from me and Liam), getting very little sleep, and feeling confused and worried the majority of the time. Now that I have a child I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for the world. Would I recommend having children? HELL NO! Not unless you put no value on your money, sleep, spare time, and sanity. I truly have no idea how anyone every decides to have more than one child. Having one just about drove me to my limits.
I now take back any judgment I passed on any parents in the past. Knowing what I know now, I understand that most of them are just clinging to sanity and are at their wits end with the lack of sleep and increased demands on every part of their bodies and minds. I really did think that most parents where exaggerating when they talked about the difficultly of childbirth and parenting. Now, having had a c-section, I feel moderately traumatized and not at all sure how women act like it is no big deal. And parenting......well lets just say my anxiety will probably be ten times as high from now until eternity.
But as I write this, I look over, and there is an angel sleeping in a swing a few feet from me, and I couldn't imagine loving anything more than this beautiful little life. My heart swells with pride for him, and drops at the thought of any sadness or pain he might have. I hope and pray for his health and happiness more than anything. This little boy has changed my life in so many ways, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
The last couple months are a blur of doctor visits, trips to the NICU, pumping breast milk (which by the way is also way more difficult than anyone lets on), crying (from me and Liam), getting very little sleep, and feeling confused and worried the majority of the time. Now that I have a child I love him to death and wouldn't trade him for the world. Would I recommend having children? HELL NO! Not unless you put no value on your money, sleep, spare time, and sanity. I truly have no idea how anyone every decides to have more than one child. Having one just about drove me to my limits.
I now take back any judgment I passed on any parents in the past. Knowing what I know now, I understand that most of them are just clinging to sanity and are at their wits end with the lack of sleep and increased demands on every part of their bodies and minds. I really did think that most parents where exaggerating when they talked about the difficultly of childbirth and parenting. Now, having had a c-section, I feel moderately traumatized and not at all sure how women act like it is no big deal. And parenting......well lets just say my anxiety will probably be ten times as high from now until eternity.
But as I write this, I look over, and there is an angel sleeping in a swing a few feet from me, and I couldn't imagine loving anything more than this beautiful little life. My heart swells with pride for him, and drops at the thought of any sadness or pain he might have. I hope and pray for his health and happiness more than anything. This little boy has changed my life in so many ways, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Uninspired
I like to think of myself as a somewhat creative person. As a child I always gravitated towards art, writing, and music way more than things like science, math, and technology. I am far from as talented as those who create art for a living, but I also think I have a certain knack for seeing things that others don't and creating some sort of art out of what I see. Well lately I just can't seem to find that creative spark. I want to draw something badly, but every time I try to think of something I draw, I have few ideas and I reject every one of them.
I've heard of this creative block happening to other people before, and I'm not sure how they get out of it. Should I just start drawing something even though my heart is not into it? Is creating art a skill that needs to be practiced, or is it simply talent and inspiration? I must admit that part of my hesitation to draw is that I don't feel like I am good enough. I know I am better than some, however I feel I pale in comparison to some of the artists I see on the internet. I know art is not really meant to be compared. It is your own expression and is thus meant to be something only you can create. But let's admit it, everyone judges artwork and if they feel you are not good enough, they will usually let it be known.
I am somewhat of the opinion that art does need to be practiced to improve certain techniques and abilities. It's just so hard to practice something that also requires a certain amount of dedication and emotion to create. If you don't feel the emotion, you don't want to practice, and you find yourself in a never-ending spiral of not doing anything. I hope I can find my inspiration again soon, because once I have a little baby to take care of, I know I will have even less time and energy to devote to art. I certainly don't want to think that my drive to create has ended forever.
I've heard of this creative block happening to other people before, and I'm not sure how they get out of it. Should I just start drawing something even though my heart is not into it? Is creating art a skill that needs to be practiced, or is it simply talent and inspiration? I must admit that part of my hesitation to draw is that I don't feel like I am good enough. I know I am better than some, however I feel I pale in comparison to some of the artists I see on the internet. I know art is not really meant to be compared. It is your own expression and is thus meant to be something only you can create. But let's admit it, everyone judges artwork and if they feel you are not good enough, they will usually let it be known.
I am somewhat of the opinion that art does need to be practiced to improve certain techniques and abilities. It's just so hard to practice something that also requires a certain amount of dedication and emotion to create. If you don't feel the emotion, you don't want to practice, and you find yourself in a never-ending spiral of not doing anything. I hope I can find my inspiration again soon, because once I have a little baby to take care of, I know I will have even less time and energy to devote to art. I certainly don't want to think that my drive to create has ended forever.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Major Changes
I have decided I am finally ready to announce what the "major changes" are that I mentioned in a previous post. Mike and I are expecting a baby boy in August! It came as such a shock at first because I had pretty much given up on having children after seven years of no success. Even now there are moments I can hardly believe that this is happening. Of course I was so happy when I found out, but I also had to make a big mental adjustment. After seven years of convincing myself that I could be happy without children, I was finally starting to settle into that attitude. Then in an instant I had to switch back to the idea that I was going to be a mother. That is a lot for anyone to take.
Now I am so overjoyed and filled with love when I think of my little boy or when I feel his tiny kicks inside of me. But another emotion that comes with getting pregnant is worry. I worry that he will be healthy. I worry about protecting him from the harsh world he is being born into. I worry about whether I will be a good mom, and how I will know what is best for him. I worry about teaching him what is right and providing for him.
I am hoping that many things will come naturally and that I will also learn a lot from friends and family. I may be an older mother with less energy, but one thing I have going for me is more knowledge and life experience. I know I won't be a perfect mom, but I know I will be better now than when I was in my 20's. I also know that this little boy will be loved a huge amount by so many people, and that can't hurt is odds at growing up well.
So I guess now I am officially a mommy blogger. It still blows my mind that someone will call me "mom". However, all big changes take a bit of time to adjust to. I'm sure in no time I couldn't imagine my life without my little boy.
Now I am so overjoyed and filled with love when I think of my little boy or when I feel his tiny kicks inside of me. But another emotion that comes with getting pregnant is worry. I worry that he will be healthy. I worry about protecting him from the harsh world he is being born into. I worry about whether I will be a good mom, and how I will know what is best for him. I worry about teaching him what is right and providing for him.
I am hoping that many things will come naturally and that I will also learn a lot from friends and family. I may be an older mother with less energy, but one thing I have going for me is more knowledge and life experience. I know I won't be a perfect mom, but I know I will be better now than when I was in my 20's. I also know that this little boy will be loved a huge amount by so many people, and that can't hurt is odds at growing up well.
So I guess now I am officially a mommy blogger. It still blows my mind that someone will call me "mom". However, all big changes take a bit of time to adjust to. I'm sure in no time I couldn't imagine my life without my little boy.
Friday, April 6, 2018
Invisible Danger
Almost as long as I have been old enough to understand such things, I have had a fear of things that are invisible or nearly invisible, but can cause grave illness or death. This fear includes things like toxic chemicals that can be found just about anywhere, radiation, mold spores, bacteria, viruses, tiny insects that can infect or bite, or even sometimes ghosts or demons. Most days I am like any other average person with few thoughts of these kinds of things. But on a bad day I can be consumed with thoughts and fears that make it nearly impossible to enjoy life or function.
I'm not sure where this fear came from other than the basic human instinct for self-preservation. I have learned to cope with it somewhat, but I am always looking for ways to become stronger. Sometimes I have to actually tell myself out loud to "be brave". Other times I have to listen to music or distract myself somehow. Other times I pray (even though I am not a particularly religious person). Most of the time I just have to tell myself that life in general is not risk-free. Everyone is exposed to things daily that could kill them sooner or later. I guess the trick is to not let those things keep you from living your best life. You can't prevent everything that could potentially cause harm to your body, and you don't know when your times will be up. So I suppose the best way to live is with as little fear and as much joy as possible. Putting that into practice is not at all easy. But if I keep working on it constantly, I think I will always be improving my happiness level. And that is all I can really ask for myself and for anyone else.
I'm not sure where this fear came from other than the basic human instinct for self-preservation. I have learned to cope with it somewhat, but I am always looking for ways to become stronger. Sometimes I have to actually tell myself out loud to "be brave". Other times I have to listen to music or distract myself somehow. Other times I pray (even though I am not a particularly religious person). Most of the time I just have to tell myself that life in general is not risk-free. Everyone is exposed to things daily that could kill them sooner or later. I guess the trick is to not let those things keep you from living your best life. You can't prevent everything that could potentially cause harm to your body, and you don't know when your times will be up. So I suppose the best way to live is with as little fear and as much joy as possible. Putting that into practice is not at all easy. But if I keep working on it constantly, I think I will always be improving my happiness level. And that is all I can really ask for myself and for anyone else.
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