Living Offline

I watched a show the other day about people who are addicted to the internet, and specifically social media. These people could spend 12 to 16 hours on the internet each day. I feel bad for the addiction these people have, but at the same time it makes me feel a little better about my own internet usage. Believe me when I say I know how it feels to get sucked into the hole of endless clicking. In fact, I think most people these days can relate to that. But I am proud of the fact that I make an effort not to let the internet suck me in for hours. And that's what it takes - effort. These days it is so easy to get lost in the virtual world and forget about the real world that is all around you. Sure, the real world can be harsh at times. But it can also be amazing, and you can miss out on that if you are stuck watching funny videos of cats or wishing a happy birthday to someone on Facebook who you were friends with 10 years ago.

While there is a lot to be learned from the internet, I am a firm believer that getting out and experiencing things is the way to go. I'm not sure what it is, but there is something to be said about being present in a moment and experiencing it firsthand with all of your senses. That goes for taking pictures and recording videos as well. It's great to have pictures as mementos, but you loose something when you are constantly behind the lens taking pictures of every moment. You are not truly experiencing the moment, and you end up with millions of pictures that don't mean much to you because all you were thinking about at the moment was getting a good shot.

I suppose it is slightly hypocritical of me to talk about getting out and experiencing things when I am a homebody who prefers curling up with a book or a movie to most other outside activities. But I realize the importance of not getting lost inside myself, and I make an effort to "get out there". I'm not saying I am better than anyone else. I just have my views on what is important and I try to live accordingly. I wish all the best for those internet addicts. I hope they realize what they are missing out on and can find a way to make a change.

Worthless Rambling

I've been wanting to post for a while but it always seems like when I want to write the most is when I can't think of any topic I would want to write about. So I figure if I start typing, something good may come out. Otherwise, I apologize in advance for my worthless rambling.

Summer is here, and while I enjoy the summer time, it never holds quite the joy that it did when I was a kid. Kid summer time means no school, cool vacations, swimming, fireworks, and overall goofing off. Adult summer time means work as always, house chores, yard work, maybe a trip to the pool here or there, maybe a small vacation if you are lucky, a dog who is terrified of fireworks, and absolutely no goofing off. I really don't mind most of my responsibilities, but there is a small sadness in knowing you can never again forget them and be like you were when you were a kid.

Speaking of dogs who are afraid of fireworks, Bear has been doing well, but is all around nervous a lot of the time. I don't remember her being so uptight previously, but maybe it just comes from a combination of the sound of the wind (terrifying), the sound of the construction across the street (terrifying), Mike and I being away from home for a few hours (terrifying), and the fact that she was sick for about a week (overall crummy). Although I would contend that the sickness was just as crummy for me since I had to scrub diarrhea out of the carpet not once but twice, and our whole house smelled like we lived on the inside of a dirty diaper. Who knows, maybe it still smells like that and my sense of smell just gave up.

An employee at the pet store recommended we feed Bear chicken and rice to settle her stomach and while I know Bear didn't feel well, she certainly felt well enough to scarf that down within five seconds. Here is a picture of her eagerly awaiting the preparation of her food, which took about half an hour.

Who couldn't love a face like that? Anyway, we are very happy she is feeling better. Hopefully the rest of the summer will contain less diarrhea scrubbing and more of the fun kid stuff.

Heading In The Right Direction

In my last post I wrote about the book I was reading and since then I have been thinking a lot about a line from that book that really gave me some insight. It goes something like this - "There is no point in running if you don't know what direction to run." As you may know by now, I have quite a few fears and anxieties. But lately, when I start to get scared I think of that sentence. I think to myself, "Is this something I can run from, and if so, do I know which way to run?" This thought process almost always calms me down because it allows me to accept what is, rather than plotting all the possible escape routes. I am better able to stand up to my fears rather than constantly running and hiding and getting nowhere.

This coping mechanism doesn't always work. For example, when you think you know which way to run, but it turns out to be the completely wrong way, or when the fear is too big for you to fight and you crumple under the pressure. But for the most part, it has been a handy tool for making me feel better. God knows I need it with all the scary things out there. Maybe you need it too, which is why I am sharing.

All Natural

I am in the middle of reading a book that I got from the library called All Natural by Nathanael Johnson. The description on the cover reads as follows - "A skeptic's quest to discover if the natural approach to diet, childbirth, healing, and the environment really keeps us healthier and happier." I was intrigued when I saw this because I am always wondering if natural is better, as so many people think. As I started reading, I quickly learned that there are no solid conclusions about this matter. (Like just about everything in life.) The answers usually lie somewhere in the middle ground between natural and unnatural. (Johnson even points out that we can sometime confuse the natural and unnatural.) But he does do a lot of research that can help people make more informed (and hopefully better) decisions. I like his writing style because this could easily turn into one of those books where the author spouts off about what he believes and you are left wondering what is true. But this author actually did the investigating and, in the end, leaves you to decide what you believe.

In one chapter, Johnson sets out to find out if sugar is really as bad for us as everyone claims. What he found is that eating sugar produces dopamine, which causes compulsion without pleasure. He goes on to say - "The sales pitch that promises everything and delivers nothing - that tickles our wanting neurons while making sure we can't get no satisfaction - relies wholly on confusing pleasure with desire. Perhaps it could be defeated by simply learning to distinguish the one from the other. For food, this would mean learning to truly taste - slowing down enough to take pleasure in the flavors and textures in each bite. Food corporations have learned to cater to what they call 'the lazy American palate,' which basically means lots of sugar, fat, and salt. They don't waste subtle flavors on us because, in the grip of a dopamine-driven desire, people stop tasting. When I ate this way I was trying to muffle craving, not produce pleasure. The problem of gluttony is not too much love of food, but too little." This was a revelation to me be because I always had a feeling that people would become more healthy if they didn't only change WHAT they eat, but HOW they eat.

I added the quote from the book as an example of one of the things I have learned from reading it. But truthfully, I couldn't add every quote that enlightened and inspired me because they were on almost every page of the book. I am considering buying my own copy, just so I can highlight the things I find interesting and refer back to them from time to time. I can not recommend this book highly enough, and I don't do it justice in my writing, so you might as well just go get it right now. GO ON! GET OUT OF HERE!

Striving For Fearlessness

I've been feeling sickly since yesterday. It doesn't seem like a cold, unless the the cough and sniffles are still to come. I just feel totally run-down and all I want to do is lay on the couch all day. While I never enjoy being sick, it's not too bad to have an excuse to do nothing. When I am not sick, I feel like this -



So being sick tunes that down to about 100 tabs. :-) But seriously, I over-think way too many things. I think it comes from from being afraid to make mistakes. If I make mistakes, bad things might happen, and then everything might go to shit. Logically, I know that we learn from mistakes, and all mistakes can't be avoided, and everyone makes mistakes, and blah blah blah. But we all know that logic seldom wins. Emotions rule, and they are fickle little buggers. So when I feel afraid to do something, or to not do something, that fear rules.

We have all heard sayings like, "The only thing to fear is fear itself." I don't know what those people did who only fear fear, but I sure as hell can't figure out how to do it. Maybe it comes from not having very many bad things happen to you. That way you have no fear because you don't know how bad things could be. Or maybe it comes from having so many bad things happen to you that you have no fear left because you have already experienced the worst.

Either way, I must be stuck somewhere in-between, because fear is a frequent visitor. I sure hope I can find my fearless side one day. It would be nice to have a sick day from fear and anxiety without actually being sick.

Missed the Boat

Being back at my retail job gives me oodles of spare time to do whatever my little heart desires. That's the problem. It's not that I can't think of things to do. Ask me right now and I could give you a list a mile long of things I COULD do. I could clean, do the dishes, wash the car, work in the yard for days on end, draw, paint, craft, cook, read, scrapbook, watch t.v., listen to music, go to the store, call someone, make a goal, exercise, plan a trip, look at funny videos on Youtube, and on, and on....... But do I feel motivated to do any of those things? No. Do I have a burning desire to do anything? Not really.

Maybe some people are born with the drive to make something out of their life, or maybe they somehow develop it over time. Either way, I seem to have missed the boat. I am ambivalent about almost anything, and if I try to develop a love for something I usually end up disliking it instead.

Take college for example. A lot of people go into it not totally sure what they want to major in. The general advice is usually to take a few introductory classes, and once you find something you like, you will want to learn more about it, and so you will take the more advanced classes. Not so with me. Sure I liked plenty of the introductory classes. But once I got to the higher-level classes, I quickly got overwhelmed, and learned to hate what I really liked previously.

I don't know where I am going with this other than to say, finding a purpose to your life is not as easy as it seems. The one thing I thought I always wanted will probably never happen, so I am stuck with no Plan B. When people ask me why I don't go back to school, I don't know what to say. How can I explain that no amount of soul searching thus far has produced a drive or a passion for anything? Should I just pick a career out of a hat and go for it? Do I need some kind of mood-altering drugs to make me excited and ambitious? I really don't like that idea since it is my opinion that most drugs do more harm than good. Well, at least I have plenty of time to wait for the ambition boat to come back around. Let's hope that it does.

Long and Tedious

The past few weeks I have been struggling to get a new pair of glasses. Struggling? Yes, struggling. You wouldn't think it would be too hard, and it never has been until this time.

I noticed my eyesight seemed a little worse a few months ago. (Probably from reading all those tax forms. But I also read in a magazine that as we age the muscles in our eyes get weaker, making it harder to adjust them. How depressing is that?) ANYWAY, I have accepted poor eyesight as a part of my life. Both of my parents wore glasses almost their entire lives, so I couldn't really expect to dodge that bullet.

I went through an anti-glasses phase where I would only wear contacts, but that ended abruptly when my contacts starting doing less "helping me see better", and starting doing more "making my eyes feel like they were on fire". I know there are now better contacts out there that don't hurt like hell, but I have become accustomed to the ease of glasses so much so, that when I am not wearing them, I almost feel naked.

That brings me back to my new glasses. I had grown very attached to my old glasses, so I wanted the new ones to be just as great. When you wear something on your face everyday of your life, nothing short of perfection will do.

Mike found a really nice eye doctor whose office is near our work. So I went there and got an exam and everything was great. But then I had to deal with the receptionists. They were friendly, of course, and one of them tried to help me pick out some new frames. But I quickly became overwhelmed when she kept piling frame after frame in front of me and asking me to narrow it down. I wanted to be very sure of something I would be wearing everyday, but I ended up just picking one because it felt rude not to buy from the place that did my exam.

Fast forward about four days, and my new glasses are ready to pick up. I pick them up, and right off the bat, I am not sure if they are right for me. Not to mention, the receptionist just handed them to me and didn't ask much about how they felt. Later that day, I discovered that they where not, in fact, transition lenses like they where supposed to be. So I decide since I am going to have to return them anyway, I might as well get some frames that I like better. I found some at Shopko that I was much more comfortable with, even though they seemed slightly crooked since I bought the floor model. I was confident, however, that the eye doctor could fix that.

The next Monday, Mike takes my glasses in to be exchanged and they assure him that they can get the right lenses and fix the crooked frames. They DO NOT give me any sort of compensation for screwing up the first pair. In fact, they charge an extra $71 for an anti-glare coating that I decided I wanted. "Oh well", I thought, "at least I will finally get what I want."

Fast forward TWO WEEKS. (No more fast service when they have to do it right.) My glasses are ready again and I pick them up, and I can immediately tell they have not been straightened, so I ask the receptionist about it and she says, "I assume they straightened them." "ASSUME?!" I think, "Why can't you fucking make sure you do what I ask for?" Still, I hold it in and try to ignore the feeling since the smiling receptionist and Mike both tell me that they look straight. Once again, the receptionist doesn't ask if they need to be adjusted. She just sends me on my merry way.

Later that day, I discover that my new glasses slide down my nose every time I look down, and I can't take it anymore. I burst into tears, put on my old, comfy glasses, and spent the rest of the day sulking and defeated.

I refused to wear my new glasses or to do anything about them until today, when I finally got out of my funk. I decided to make one last effort and bring them into Shopko to see if anything could be done. Low and behold, a sweet old lady working at the eye center spent about five minutes with my glasses, and they felt wonderful! I was on cloud nine, and the eye center lady might as well have been an angel. I am so relieved, I don't even care much if they look good on me. They FEEL good, and that makes me ecstatic.

Here are a few pictures to break up this long, and probably very boring, story.

My old glasses. (Still my first love.)


The first pair. (Not too bad, but not right for me.)


The final, and hopefully last, pair for a long time.


They will still take a little getting used to, but I am so glad the whole thing is over with. I will probably never return to that very nice eye doctor. Sorry, but your receptionists, and the place that makes your lenses, suck.